


Back to You

by brewstr



Category: Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff and Angst, M/M, because that's my favorite, but I hope you enjoy it, cameos from other characters - Freeform, it's a goddam novel, it's kinda shitty and i'm not proud of it, low key pissed off that this is the first thing i've finished in years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 17:41:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10926810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brewstr/pseuds/brewstr
Summary: Ben & Caleb and 20 years of the years they spent loving each other.





	1. Chapter 1

The rain lasted all morning and Susannah Tallmadge didn’t want the boys to go out and play after school. She said they’d get all muddy and she didn’t feel like cleaning up their mess. Sam was a good talker, and managed to convince her that they would clean up their own mess if there was any. She let them go with a sigh and a warning that if a speck of mud made its way back into the house, they would have it. Eight-year-old Sam paid no mind and dashed out the door. Earnest, six-year-old Ben felt the warning more keenly, but hurried after his big brother so he wouldn’t be left behind. The Tallmadge boys met up with their friends down at the docks.

The group of boys were Sam’s friends, and most of them were irritated by little Ben trailing at their heels. But they kept silent, because the eldest of the group, nine-year-old Caleb Brewster, threatened to beat up anybody who was mean to him. Ben loved Caleb. His round blue eyes lit up whenever he saw Caleb, with his glittering brown eyes, his freckles and shaggy curls. Caleb would grin down at him and listen patiently as the over-eager Ben stuttered through some story or exclamation. Sam would roll his eyes and Caleb would tell him to back off.

Today was no different. Ben wanted to tell Caleb all about the toy blaster he saw in the magazine the Tallmadges got in the mail the day previous. The boys were moving fast, heading toward their spot in the woods where they would play most days after school. Ben broke into a jog to keep up, losing his breath as he rambled about all the features on the blaster. Caleb walked quickly beside him, filling in the spaces when Ben paused to breathe by murmuring appropriate responses and asking a question or two.

The woods were muddy from the day’s rain and the overflow from the many ponds. The boys picked up sticks and started sword fighting, pretending they were pirates fighting sailors. Ben usually watched, too small to fight without getting himself hurt. He would find a rock or log as a perch and cheer Caleb on. Sam got angry when Caleb jabbed him with his stick and Ben whooped.

“Leave him alone, Sam. He’s rooting for the pirates. I’m a pirate, you’re a sailor—he’s _supposed_ to cheer for me.”

“Whatever.” Sam brushed it off, then leaped to attack Caleb again.

“Let’s go down to the bay!” One of the boys suggested when they became bored of sailors and pirates. “I’ll race ya!”

The boys pounded off. Ben leaped up to follow and his foot caught in a root just beyond the log where he perched. He was sent sprawling face first into a large patch of mud that gathered where the earth dipped several feet away from a small pond.

“Aw, Ben!” Sam shouted back at him, turning and doubling back at Ben’s cry. “ _Seriously_?”

His irritation dissolved into fits of laughter when he saw the mud covering Ben’s little face. The boys gathered back when they heard Sam’s laughter and immediately the entire group melted into furious giggles. Even Caleb. Ben was humiliated. He lifted his hands to wipe the mud from his face only to find mud smeared there, too. Frustrated and embarrassed, tears began to sting in his eyes.

“Little Benny’s gonna cry!” One of the boys crowed at the sight of Ben’s protruding bottom lip.

Sam sobered enough to tell the boy to can it. He was beginning to feel sorry for Ben, who was now shaking with full-on sobs. Feeling the same, Caleb contained himself and stepped forward to pull Ben up from the mud. Getting the sobbing, dirtied Ben to his feet proved difficult, ending with Caleb practically hauling Ben to drier ground where he could stand. Then he slipped out of his jacket and used it to wipe the largest chunks of dirt from Ben’s face and hands.

“Ew, don’t use your coat, Caleb,” Sam cried, disgusted.

“I can put it in the wash, it’s fine.”

Trying to calm himself, Ben’s breathing came in short, ragged gasps. He wanted to be angry with Caleb for laughing at him, but he couldn’t be after how Caleb helped him.

“Mommy’s gonna be so mad, Sam,” he sniffled, wiping his nose with the back of his hand and leaving a new smear across his upper lip.

“Are you hurt?” Sam asked.

“I hit my knees.” Fresh sobs came with the remembrance of injury.

“We’ll tell her you hurt your knees really badly. She’ll feel sorry for you and she won’t be mad.”

“Come on, buddy.” Caleb put an arm around Ben’s shoulders without seeming to care how much of the mud he got on him. Ben wanted to bury his face in Caleb’s shirt. But his face was dirty. He would get Caleb’s shirt dirty. He couldn’t do that. “You should go home. I’ll take you. And I’ll even tell your mom it was my fault if you want.” One of Caleb’s sunshiny grins lit up his face, he was trying to get Ben to laugh.

The other boys tore off as soon as the fun was over, with Sam hesitating a moment, unsure if he should be the one to take Ben home. Caleb waved him off and said he’d see him tomorrow. Sam bolted.

Ben was stubbornly sullen the entire walk home. Caleb made several attempts at jokes, but Ben just glared at the ground. They reached the Tallmadge home and Caleb took him around back to go through the mud room.

“ _Mommy_!” Ben wailed immediately when they got inside.

Mrs. Tallmadge came around the corner from the kitchen and stopped dead. She stared at Ben, then glanced at Caleb and stared at Ben again. She bit her lip and tried not to laugh at the sight of her little boy, covered head to toe in muck, miserable and crying.

“Caleb—what happened?” She asked finally.

“We were moving too fast for him, Mrs. Tallmadge. He tried run in the woods to follow us and he tripped. It was really our fault, we should have made sure he could keep up. I’m sorry.”

Ben was shocked by the smile on his mother’s face. Mrs. Tallmadge loved Caleb, too. She loved his sweet brown eyes and the way he looked after Ben when the other boys ignored or teased him. Other mothers shook their heads and clicked their tongues at Caleb, a wild, unfettered, parentless child. He was disorderly and had a propensity for mischief, but Susannah knew beneath that exterior was a golden-hearted boy with a lot of love to give. She hadn’t missed the muddy jacket in Caleb’s hand and knew how it had gotten that way.

“Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. I’m sure he’s fine. Thanks for bringing him home, I appreciate it.” Then, turning to her son, “Come on, Benny, let’s get you cleaned up. Take your boots off.”

“No problem, Mrs. T. I gotta get home now, Ben. I’ve got homework. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

“Bye, Caleb.”

“Bye, Benny.”


	2. Chapter 2

The jump to from eighth to ninth grade hit hard for a lot of Ben’s friends. Ben did not find it all that difficult but never mentioned it. A natural aptitude for schoolwork and a hammered-in work ethic made every new challenge manageable. His dad was proud of it, Sam was jealous of it, none of his friends knew. Except Caleb. Ben was painfully aware of the advantage he claimed and often felt ashamed of it. Caleb was the only one he ever admitted that to. Caleb had said:

“You don’t have to be proud of it if you don’t wanna be. But don’t try to change it, it’s probably a good thing to keep around—you’ll probably really need it someday.”

Caleb turned seventeen the September Ben started high school. Repeating the fifth grade had put Caleb in the same class as Sam, much to Sam’s delight. Nobody at school gave Caleb any crap for it because everyone knew he didn’t care. Nothing ever seemed to bother Caleb. He was always laughing, always making everyone else laugh. He was everybody’s friend and Ben, shy and gawky at fourteen, tried not to be jealous. Caleb had friends who were in college. They would invite him to parties and sometimes Sam would get to go along. Ben would huff and complain even though he knew it wouldn’t get him anywhere.

“I’d be in enough trouble if your dad found out I brought Sam along. Imagine if you came, he’d fucking kill me, Benny.”

Caleb swore a lot. Ben thought it was cool and didn’t mind it, but he did mind how much Caleb drank. Teenage know-it-all as Ben was, Caleb would constantly endure lectures about the dangers of underage drinking from Ben. Caleb would grin and tell Ben he’d feel differently about it someday. Ben would huff and deny it but Caleb would only laugh. Ben loved his laugh.

 

“Julie’s not free tomorrow, Caleb. Tonight’s the only night this week I can take her out.”

Ben passed in the hallway and heard Sam talking through his bedroom door.

“Who gives a shit about Julie?” Caleb countered with solid logic. “I wanna go hiking.”

“Go hiking then. I’m just not gonna be with you.”

“Screw you.”

“Screw you, too. Take Ben.”

“Take Ben where?” Ben asked, bursting through the door at the mention of his name.

“Nowhere. Get out of my room, asshat.” Sam didn’t even look up from the homework on his desk. Caleb, sitting cross legged on Sam’s bed, smiled at Ben.

“Hiking.”

“I wanna go hiking,” Ben said.

“Then it’ll be the two of us, Ben. Your brother’s being a little bitch about it.”

Sam rolled his eyes and ordered Ben from the room again. Ben went happily, too excited to retort. Hiking with Caleb! Just the two of them! How cool was that gonna be.

He changed quickly out of his school clothes and into an old t-shirt and jeans. He yelled to his dad in the den that he was going hiking with Caleb and would be back later. He was out the door before Nathaniel Tallmadge could so much as process what he said. Caleb was waiting outside with his uncle’s old green Chevrolet puffing clouds of exhaust into the fresh spring air. Ben hopped in and they drove for almost an hour before they reached the spot, a rocky cluster of wooded hills that spanned for several miles. They started up, falling into the easy conversation that years of familiarity brings. Caleb liked the way Ben could rattle off facts pertaining to just about every topic one could throw at him. They talked of schoolwork, which teachers and classmates they liked and disliked, and of their plans for the summer break. They talked about when they were younger, and about Ben’s mom. Ben didn’t talk of her often, the few years since her passing had not yet closed the wounds. But he let Caleb ask and told him of the pain that remained, stitched into her memory. Caleb listened and changed the subject tactfully when he knew Ben wanted to move on.

They came up to a steep ravine. In the recent rain, the bottom of the ravine was soft and muddy. Caleb swung toward Ben with a teasing grin.

“Real muddy down there, Benny. D’you wanna hold my hand?”

Ben rolled his eyes. He wasn’t sure he would ever live that down. His determination doubled and he started down until he reached a rock jutting out of the incline. From there, he leaped across the ravine, leading firmly, albeit awkwardly, on the other side. He grabbed hold of a small birch to steady himself then scrambled up the slope to the ridge above. He turned to smile proudly down at Caleb.

“Impressive.” Caleb gave Ben’s victory to him graciously, smiling up at the younger boy, squinting into the late afternoon sun.

They trudged on, conversing amiably or sharing silences. They lost track of time together. When Caleb stopped and finally checked his watch, he realized even if they started back now, it would be dark before they reached the car. It wouldn’t bother him if he were alone, but he worried about Ben. They discussed it, and Caleb could see Ben waver, made uneasy at the thought of the woods in the dark. But the boy rallied and concealed his anxiety. They started back.

The darkness gathered slowly for the first hour, but as it neared nine o’clock, it came on more quickly.

“Hold on to me, Ben—I don’t wanna lose you out here.”

Ben reached for Caleb’s arm without argument and held on as they went. To Ben, whose mind wandered to every grisly possibility, the time dragged on. It seemed ages before they descended a slope to find themselves walking on leveled ground. A little further and they reached the car.

Caleb drove them to a gas station and they went into the little store so Caleb could buy them something to eat and Ben could call his dad. Mr. Tallmadge was angry at first. Ben apologized five or six and begged him not to blame Caleb.

“I’m fine, dad,” he was saying as Caleb came up beside him with a grocery bag full of snack food. “Nothing happened… It won’t happen again—or at least next time we’ll bring flashlights.”

Caleb thought Ben’s joke was funny—Mr. Tallmadge did not.

“I’m sorry,” Ben said for the tenth time. “Huh? Wait, I’ll ask.” He turned to Caleb, “He wants to know if I can just stay at your place tonight so you don’t have to worry about driving me home. He doesn’t want me walking at night but I can walk back in the morning.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. My uncle’s out of town, too, so we’ll have the place to ourselves.”

Ben was in rapture. Caleb let him eat the chips he bought in the car (which Ben was never allowed to do in his dad’s car) and he was going to get to spend the night at Caleb’s house! Sam was spending the evening on a date with _Julie_. How could he ever think that would be better than this? Ben was glad, however, because if Sam had decided to go with Caleb Ben would have spent the evening at home, wondering what kind of fun they were having together.

It was near eleven by the time the boys got back to Caleb’s. Both were exhausted and agreed to go to bed. Ben showered and found a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt on the bathroom counter when he got out. He looked up into the mirror and he felt embarrassed when he saw the stupid grin on his face. The boys crawled into Caleb’s bed and fell asleep back to back.

Caleb dreamt of walking in the woods, calling for Ben—who was nowhere to be found. Until he was there, suddenly, crying and shaking. Caleb reached for him as the forest swam around him. He was supposed to take care of Ben—everybody was expecting him to take care of Ben. Everything was very urgent and Caleb didn’t know why. Then the forest was a field and his uncle’s car was parked there and it was blue…

Ben woke to find Caleb facing him, fast asleep, his hand resting on Ben’s wrist.

The moment hit him hard. He knew he loved Caleb—but not in the way he loved his other friends. He loved Caleb in a way that made touching him and being touched by him exciting. In the way that waking up next to him brought a rush of happiness and contentment and comfort. It was completely different—a sweet, aching love he’d never felt before.

Caleb stirred and Ben pretended he was asleep. The hand lifted gingerly from his skin and the bed creaked and rustled as Caleb slipped out of it. The loss of his touch was searing.

Ben harbored his crush. He didn’t tell anyone about it, even when cornered into the dreaded “So, who do you like?” conversation that came up far too often in high school. The painful knowledge of it made him awkward and stunted in his interactions with Caleb—but if Caleb noticed he never let on.

The next year Sam and Caleb graduated. It didn’t hit Ben until after the ceremony how much things were going to change. Tears sprung into his eyes and Caleb saw them. Sam came over from the refreshments table with punch in his hand. Immediately, Caleb reached out and hooked an arm around Ben’s neck, pulling him roughly into a headlock.

“What’re you gonna do without us, Benny? Bet you’re gonna get into a lot of trouble without Sam and me to save your ass.”

Ben shoved Caleb, breaking away from his grasp—but with his face hidden in Caleb’s chest he was given time to compose himself. The tears were gone and Sam wouldn’t see. With glances, a confidence passed between Ben and Caleb. Gratitude on Ben’s side and “you owe me one” on Caleb’s. Ben knew it Caleb hadn’t done it as a favor, he’d done it because he cared.


	3. Chapter 3

Ben’s first semester at Yale bore down on him with a fury, leaving him with the feeling of all the air being pressed from his lungs by an enormous weight. Winter break provided a much needed respite. Ben had avoided parties all semester, he spent enough energy fighting to keep his head above water with his classes. But after three weeks of break a New Year’s party at LIU with Sam didn’t sound so bad.

“Oh, and Caleb said he’d come.”

A New Year’s party a LIU sounded perfect.

They hadn’t seen Caleb since Ben’s high school graduation in June—a separation six months too long. Caleb had gotten a second job the summer after high school and between the two had very little free time on his hands. Sam was busy with college and now Ben was, too. Plans to get together were floated every few months but always fell through.

Ben tried to tell himself he’d gotten over the childish crush on Caleb. He made new friends at Yale and had even been asked out several times (although everyone was politely declined with the excuse of the semester’s workload). He had moved on. But the anxiety building in his stomach as Sam’s car followed the winding back roads to the university told otherwise.

“He’s gonna be here in about an hour,” Sam was saying as the two entered the fray of a New Year’s party already in full swing at seven-thirty.

The wait was torturous. Ben downed some sort of spiked concoction to still his nerves and tried to enjoy himself. Sam introduced him to his college friends then literally shoved Ben into the nearest girl and deserted him. It took a good ten minutes for Ben to extract himself from the conversation with her and when he did he turned and immediately caught sight of Caleb by the door. The room pitched and Ben stared. Caleb stood there in his ripped jeans and stupid band tee and he looked better than anybody Ben had ever seen. Caleb saw him. His face lit into one of his laughs and the room pitched in the other direction. Everything blurred until Caleb’s arms wrapped around his middle. Ben was grateful for the excuse to hold Caleb tighter and longer than he would have before.

“…And of course you managed to grow another inch since June. Bastard! You’ll be taller than Sam soon if you’re not careful.”

“I am taller,” Ben laughed, letting one arm linger where it rested around Caleb’s neck.

“You can’t be,” Caleb threw back. “If you were you’d be dead.”

“He doesn’t know it yet—don’t blow my cover.”

In a rare moment, Caleb found himself floundering. The sight of Ben sent him reeling and he didn’t know why. He missed the kid, sure, but that didn’t account for the way the contents of Ben’s smile distracted him so wildly that he couldn’t even think of a response.

“Where—where is he?”

“Sam? I’m not sure, he disappeared a little while ago. Let’s go find him.”

Ben didn’t particularly care to find Sam, it would only mean having to share Caleb with him. But he knew how much Caleb wanted to see him.

They set off through the crowd, Ben in the lead. Caleb trailed behind, trying not to notice how nicely Ben’s raglan sleeve shirt fit over his broad shoulders.

“Hey, Yale Man! How was your semester anyway?” Caleb’s brain, moving at a snail’s pace, finally cleared itself enough for him to ask. But everything clouded up again when he made the mistake of reaching out and tugging on the fabric of Ben’s shirt to arrest his attention. The shirt was soft and he felt Ben’s heat underneath the brush of his fingertips.

Ben looked back over his shoulder with a rueful grin.

“I totally got fucked over.”

“Aw,” Caleb began with mocking sympathy—he could pull of a sarcastic quip without difficulty—“What happened, you get a ‘B’ on your organic chem final?”

“I didn’t take organic chem.”

“Jesus, Ben! How are you expecting to get anywhere in life?”

Ben tried to look indignant to run with the joke but he melted into smiles and Caleb was all confusion once again.

Ben was amazed how much at ease he felt around Caleb. For all the anxiety that built up in anticipation, how little of it remained beneath the brown-eyed gaze and sunshiny smiles. Sure, his stomach tightened when Caleb rocked forward in a laugh or touched him. The fingertips against his back a moment previous made his heart jump, and it was still pounding with excitement. But Ben was happy, not at all nervous.

“Caleb!” Sam’s voice shouted over several heads of the crowd. Caleb was inwardly grateful for the interruption.

Sam tackled Caleb and there had to be lots of shoving and laughter before both were satisfied to fall into actual conversation. They acquired more drinks and moved against the wall where there was relative quiet. Caleb didn’t say anything, but his eyes shined teasingly over the rim of his cup when Ben sipped from his own. Ben had to pretend he was annoyed when he rolled his eyes and tossed back the rest of the drink without blinking. Caleb’s eyebrows shot up in amusement. Sam was talking, as usual, and remained oblivious to what passed between them.

Caleb spent the next hour studying Ben every chance he got, trying to ascertain what it was about him that changed since June. Something must be radically different—or else Caleb could not explain why he couldn’t help but notice Ben’s every movement or why it made him nervous to meet the blue eyes with his own.

The party swam on around them—Ben and Caleb paid little attention to anything but the other. Every adolescent stirring Ben harbored for Caleb resurfaced with vehemence, knocking him senseless. And now Caleb was struggling under his own barrage, realizing with a swelling horror that he was attracted to Ben. The usual warmth he felt for his friend intensified into heat and couldn’t be written off as simple affection. But Ben was only a kid! How could Caleb feel this way about him? It couldn’t be right. And after so long...why now? Caleb never panicked, but tonight he was damn close to it.

He had to get away. He had to run from fond looks and pretty lips and the head rolling back with laughter at any hint of humor in Caleb’s words. He had to get away from Ben’s hand, which seemed to touch him far too often. Poking at his stomach or his nose, brushing against his arm in laughter, on his back when they shifted through the crowd to scout out food. With the excuse of needing the bathroom, Caleb got lost. He disappeared into the fray, grabbed a drink and set about making some new friends to pass the time. It wasn’t difficult for him, it never had been. Soon, he was shoved between a girl and the arm of a couch, listening to some kid tell a story about hand-gliding on spring break the previous semester. The kid said he almost died but nobody believed him and they all informed him loudly. The girl beside Caleb laughed the loudest and turned to tell him that she had been there, and although fun—the trip was majorly uneventful. Caleb looked interested and prompted her with questions and soon they were conversing easily.

Ben began to wonder when Caleb didn’t return after a solid fifteen minutes. Innate anxiety made indifference impossible. Everything in him wanted to seek and find Caleb, but a facade of self-respect that masked fear held him back. He followed in Sam’s wake, instead, downing several more dubious mixed drinks and casting a searching eye through the crowd every few minutes. Alcohol settled like mist over his head, running up the intensity of his emotions. General anxiousness and disappointment at Caleb’s absence turned into utter misery after three drinks. He left Sam and found a quiet corner to wallow without fear of interruption.

The girl’s name was Chelsea and her hand was unmistakably high on Caleb’s leg. He liked her, but he liked most anybody. She was funny, but he didn’t particularly feel like laughing. He wanted to find Ben. He wanted to find Ben as soon as he’d lost him, but stayed away, knowing it would be better. But after sitting here for nearly an hour, only half-listening to the ten separate conversations swirling around him comprised mostly of unfinished sentences, he longed for the sanctitude of Ben’s familiar presence. Caleb knew it was an indulgence when he made up another excuse and extracted himself from the couch.

Caleb looked in corners. He knew from high school parties that by this time of the night Ben was most likely ensconced in a corner pretending that his empty cup was all the amusement he required. And there he was, the dumbass. Shoved against the wall in the corner, cup in one hand and phone in the other.

“Tell your dad I say ’hi.’” Caleb cracked, operating under an inane fear that anything more tender would lay him bare.

Ben’s head lifted, his eyes glistening in the low light. He got the joke after a second and snorted, looking slightly offended. Caleb felt ridiculously remorseful but bit back the apology that sprang to his lips. It was just a simple joke, nothing to apologize for.

“Where’d you go?”

Sober, Ben would not have asked the question—no matter how badly it burned in his throat. But Ben wasn’t sober.

“Bathroom.” Caleb cursed himself inwardly.

“For an hour?”

Caleb ignored him, snatching the phone from his hands to look at the time.

“Hey, look—two minutes til midnight.”

Ben staged a coup and recaptured the phone with some effort.

“You’d better get moving then. You’re gonna need to find somebody to kiss, right?” Ben said in a laced tone.

“I wouldn’t want to leave you alone and lonely in your sad little corner.” Vaguely panicked and desperate to lighten the mood between them, Caleb attempted to sound teasing.

Something must have worked because Ben smiled, a lopsided, dopey smile.

“I appreciate the sacrifice.” Sardonic, but the edge was gone.

Then suddenly the clouds bore down on him again when Ben pushed away from the wall and wrapped both arms around Caleb’s neck, leaning heavily against him. A full minute passed before Caleb was able to determine the reason spurring this attack. The level of noise in the room around them had swelled to deafening, people were cheering, party horns were blaring and a group of sorority girls joined in a drunkenly harmonized version of “Auld Lang Syne.”

“Happy New Year, Caleb.” Ben was grinning down at him, his face tantalizingly close. “Here.”

Lips pressed to the crest of Caleb’s cheek.

“There’s your New Year’s kiss.” Ben’s face was light with a stupid, mocking smile but his voice was a perilous whisper.

Time slowed to a near halt for Ben as he pulled away to look down into Caleb’s face. The room around him spun but Caleb didn’t move. His deep eyes stared up at Ben in consternation, a completely unexpected expression.

But all in a moment, the expected expression of annoyance and amusement took over Caleb’s features.

“Oh, get off me you dumb bastard.” He shoved Ben from him playfully.

Ben stumbled back into the wall, laughing despite the pang that lanced through his chest.

“Ben, are you drunk?” Caleb was asking now, a laugh bursting from him. “Oh, man, you are, aren’t you!”

Ben ached to deny it. He wanted to be sober so that he could kiss Caleb again and let him know he meant it. Of course, nothing he did right now meant shit to anybody. Little Ben, who could hold a bar of wet soap better than a drink. Little Ben. That’s how Caleb saw him; that’s how it would always be between them.

The skin beneath Caleb’s right eye burned. He watched Ben’s shoulders roll and saw the cords in his neck stand out when his head fell against the wall. He looked back at Caleb with lids half-closed, his expression solemn. To kiss the shoulders, the neck, the lids, to make the skin burn like his own—the urge was dangerously strong. Maybe it was partly the alcohol and the intoxicating atmosphere of a party at midnight, Caleb knew the effects of both. Everything seemed fluid, everything possible—consequences dim and distant. But this was different—more—infinitely complicated. This was so much deeper than the glances and grazes he exchanged with Chelsea earlier. He loved Ben. Caleb loved him and he wasn’t sure he could ever separate the two feelings with any amount of clarity. And that was dangerous, terrifying.

Sam appeared beside him and Caleb felt his hand on his shoulder. There was a question in Sam’s gaze and Caleb wondered how much he‘d seen.

“You should get Ben out of here, Sammy. He’s drunk as hell.” Caleb laughed but he was scrambling to justify whatever Sam might have noticed.

“Caleb!”

Caleb’s heart sank.

Chelsea pushed through the crowd and grabbed hold of him, reminding him that he had promised to do some shots with her and her friends after midnight.

“Come on, Ben. I’m gonna take you back to the dorm,” Sam was saying, but he was watching Caleb with an expression Caleb couldn’t read. Chelsea was on the other side of him, dragging at his arm.

“You meet her in the bathroom?” Ben asked in a low voice as the brothers brushed past him.

Movements reduced to blurs and noise a distant hum. Caleb stopped thinking and let Chelsea take him where she wanted. Nothing seemed to matter and it was easier that way.

 

“You’re leaving now? Don’t you wanna wake Ben?”

“Nah, let him sleep. He went pretty hard last night.”

“He’s gonna be upset that you left without saying goodbye.”

“He’ll get over it. Besides, I’ll see you guys soon. Just let me know what you’re doing for spring break, I’ll tag along.”

“Yeah—sure. I’ll let you know.”

“I’ll see ya, Sammy. Take care of yourself.”

“Hey, you too.”

The door clicked shut and Ben rolled over to bury his face into Sam’s pillow.

“Ben?” The lighthearted tone was strained.

Ben didn’t answer.

 

“Your phone’s ringing,” Nathan muttered without taking his eyes off the textbook on the bed in front of him.

“Hm?” Ben didn’t look up from his laptop screen.

“Your phone’s ringing.”

“Oh—” Ben scrambled to reach the cellphone on the beside table before the ringing stopped.

Caleb.

“What the…?”

Ben answered.

“Tallboy!”

“Caleb, what’s going on, why’d you call me?”

“I can’t call you just to say ‘hi’?”

Ben noted an unmistakable slur in Caleb’s voice.

“It’s two A.M.”

“Well, you’re up, aren’t you?”

“I’m cramming. I’ve got a paper due at eight this morning.”

“What’s the paper about?”

“It’s—it doesn’t matter. Was there something you wanted to tell me or what? Because I should really get back to work.”

Caleb started to speak, but broke off. Ben waited through a silence of a full two minutes before Caleb started again, his voice clearer and quieter:

“I was going to—you know what, never mind. It was stupid. You get back to that paper of yours, whatever it’s about.”

Ben began to regret being so short with Caleb, and his curiosity was growing with the second.

“If there was something—”

“Nope,” Caleb cut him off, “nothing. You get back to work. Night.”

The line went dead before Ben had a chance to open his mouth again.

“What was that about?” Nathan asked, only half-interested.

“I have no clue.”


	4. Chapter 4

March of senior year Caleb’s uncle Lucas passed away. Ben dropped everything and drove home to Long Island as soon as he heard. Caleb was in a daze—he said very little—barely moved from the couch in his uncle’s house. It wasn’t until the evening after the funeral that anyone was able to extract a sentence from him—then it came in a flood. Sam, Ben, and Nathaniel Tallmadge sat around him in the cramped little living room, all cradling mugs of hot tea, just listening to him talk.

Ben sat next to him on the couch, his heart splitting to see Caleb’s pain. In the middle of a sentence, Caleb’s voice caught and he fought back a sob. Ben’s hand flew to him, pressing firmly to the back of his neck in comfort. Caleb’s head dropped and he shook, the sobs relieving him of the weight of his grief. Ben rested his forehead on Caleb’s shoulder and let the silence of their company work its consolation. None of the words he could think of felt sufficient.

“My tea’s cold,” Caleb cracked weakly after a while. Soft laughter responded and they all moved to stand.

“You should try to get some sleep, Caleb,” Nathaniel said kindly, gathering the mugs and heading toward the kitchen.

“Just leave those, Nat,” Caleb called after him, but the boys knew he wouldn’t listen.

“He’ll probably sanitize the whole kitchen for you if we don’t get him out of there,” Sam quipped with a tolerant smile, but his eyes shone with concern for Caleb. “I’ll stop him.”

Sam withdrew, leaving Ben and Caleb to turn to one another.

“I wanted to thank you—uh, for coming, I mean. You’ve probably got a lot on your plate right now and I really appreciate you coming back for the funeral and everything.”

It sounded so formal, grateful and unpresuming. As if Ben wouldn’t quit school two months out from graduation and stay if only Caleb asked. But things were like this between them these days. Ever since Ben started at Yale the distance between them had become painfully evident. They would laugh and talk whenever they spent time together but all of it had a foreign air of formality; a tactfulness they never needed before. Words were chosen carefully, physical contact brief and only when absolutely necessary.

“Of course. This is important.” Ben urged, hoping to break through the awkwardness.

Caleb’s face softened in what would have been a smile, but he shook his head.

“School’s important, too. You’re gonna graduate soon and you’ve gotta put everything you’ve got into that. It’s important, too,” he repeated doggedly.

Ben didn’t fight. He wanted to; he should have. He changed the subject.

“What do you think you’ll do now? Think you’ll stay here in town?”

“For a little while, yeah—until I’ve got everything figured out. But I don’t want to stay for long. I gotta—sell the house, I guess. Get rid of all this crap. That will take some time.”

He looked up at Ben as if wondering whether or not to say what was next on his mind. He decided against it, but Ben didn’t know.

“I want to travel,” Caleb said instead. “You know, I’ve talked about it before. I guess now would be a good time to do that. There isn’t much here for me now.”

“Where will you go?”

“Don’t know yet. Anywhere.”

“ _Take me with you.”_

“ _Come with me._ ”

The silence only lifted when the other two returned from the kitchen.

“Well, your stove top is still respectably scuffed up, I managed to save that. But he did the dishes, swept, and scrubbed out the sink before I could stop him.”

Caleb followed them to the door. He took a good look at the three of them, standing in the open doorway, watching him with caring eyes. He knew they gave all freely, but he carried a guilt, feeling as though he was taking too much from them when he could give so little now. Caleb would leave this place, he knew that—take himself away so they wouldn’t make any more sacrifices for him.

Caleb took off. Sam thought maybe he was in Europe. Nobody knew for sure. Ben tried not to let the pain of it drag at him. He tried not to feel deserted. But for the first few months his chest constricted when he thought of Caleb. The thought that Caleb would forget him—cease to love him—these things haunted his dreams.

But life continued, time wouldn’t slow for him. Graduation bore down in a whirlwind and that summer he started the internship Nathan’s father lined up for the both of them. Months passed into years. The thought of Caleb brought less pain with every recurrence, memories of him blurred and became distorted. New jobs, new people, and new days ruthlessly drove out old memories.

Then, three years after graduation, an upscale private school in the city called about the resume he submitted and asked him to come in for an interview for a job as an academic counselor. Ben was so nervous he was sure he blew the interview—the sharp-witted dean who regarded him laughingly over an incredibly small pair of reading glasses only made him more anxious. But after an agonizing three weeks of waiting Ben got a phone call.

“The job’s yours if you still want it, Mr. Tallmadge,” Dean Sackett said through the line, the same laughing smile in his voice. Ben was too elated to bother with being laughed at. He managed an affirming reply without too much stammering and hung up the phone to call everyone he could think of to tell the news.

September came and school started. Ben found almost immediately that Sackett was considerably less condescending on better acquaintance and the two got on well. His coworkers were a motley crew of the well-qualified and the “ill-qualified-but-well-connected.” Sarah Livingston and Will Bradford, for respective examples. Sarah taught honors history; she knew her topic and knew how to impart it on the minds of unwilling private-schooled high schoolers, which was a talent to be admired in anyone. And then Will, who held an ambiguous administrative job, did very little and was liked even less. He was nephew to the school’s biggest sponsor, Charles Lee, a lame duck CEO of some company Ben didn’t care enough to inquire about. Lee’s boys attended the school and were among the worst of the snobs.

Ben first encountered Sarah in Will’s office. She threw open the door and launched a full-scale attack on Will’s intelligence and general existence before she stopped to take a breath and acknowledge Ben’s presence with a curtly apologetic nod. Previous to her entry, Ben was seconds away from reaching over and knocking Will’s mug of hot coffee into his lap, so he was simply thrilled about Sarah.

Will made some snide, deflective comment about whatever issue had just been flung at his head, sending Sarah from armistice back into a state of war. The argument lasted for a full ten minutes while Ben sat silently, hiding a smile behind his hand.

“Fix it, Bradford,” Sarah concluded with an indisputable authority that left Will furious but with no choice but to do as he was told.

Ben excused himself quietly and jumped up to follow her.

“That was fantastic.”

Sarah turned. “Stick around, there’s bound to be five or six more of those before Christmas. Happens every year.”

“Do you win all of them?”

She lifted her chin and shook the strands of strawberry blonde hair from her face. “Yep.”

“I’m Ben.” He offered a hand.

“I know who you are.” She took it. “We’ve all been keeping tabs on the hot new academic counselor. You know, you’re a real step up from Scott.”

Ben played off his embarrassment with raised eyebrows and a wry smile.

“I met Scott. I’m not sure if that’s so much of a compliment.”

Sarah flashed a smile.

“I’ll have to come up with something better then.”

Sarah just sort of happened. Waking up in her apartment Saturday morning wasn’t part of the plan when he accepted her offer of coffee after a faculty meeting on a Friday night. It wasn’t a bad thing—but he felt he could leave it at one night and not pursue things any further. But when it happened again three weeks later, Ben decided that actually asking her out might straighten out the confusion. Sarah liked the idea so they just went with it.

Sarah was intelligent, focused and driven. Ben admired all of those things, but couldn’t help feeling thrown off by her lack of a sense of humor. Coming up with a good joke when it applied was rare for Ben, wit was never his strong suit. But even in one of his blue moon moments his joke fell flat atop her indifference. He it bit back the next time. They never seemed to have much to say to one another, either. It was never a problem in the bedroom, but it made normal things like meals and car rides vaguely awkward. Conversation confined itself to the school and their respective jobs there.

Ben liked the way she looked when she woke up in the morning, her hair undone and lids so heavy they couldn’t even open. He liked her kisses and the smiles from across the school hallways. He cared about her and wanted her to be happy. Often he wasn’t sure whether or not she was happy with him—but four months passed and she said nothing about it either way. Ben shrugged off his doubts and sat through another silent lunch with her, assuming that this was what he wanted, too.


	5. Chapter 5

There was a movie playing that Sarah wanted to see and she needed to pick up a present for her mother’s birthday. So, they headed to the mall after work one day in early February.

“What’s your mom like?” Ben offered up his weekly attempt at conversation. He played with a spa brochure forced on him earlier by a woman manning a kiosk as he wandered after Sarah.

“Not like me at all. We don’t really get along. But she’s very nice.”

Ben thought of making a crack about her mother’s niceness being the difference between them, but figured that joke would be particularly ill-advised.

“My dad’s convinced you don’t exist. He says ‘Sarah’ is too common a name to be believable.”

“He sounds like a thoroughly pleasant person,” Sarah remarked dryly, browsing a rack of gift cards at a store front just across from the food court. “You should send him a picture of the two of us.”

“I don’t have any pictures of the two of us,” Ben said absently, absorbed in watching the crowds of people lined up at restaurant counters and gathered around tables, his hands still busy with rolling and unrolling the brochure.

“Hm. Maybe we should take some.” Sarah’s answer followed with equal absence.

Ben didn’t respond. He was still, staring through the crowd, eyes fixed on a single figure. A loud laugh arrested his attention a moment previous and he searched for the source with an urgency he did not fully comprehend. He realized he recognized the laugh, and now the face. _Caleb_.

“I think this will do—I’ve got the fleece bathrobe and the candles and the gift card...” Sarah’s voice sounded far away. “The movie starts in like fifteen minutes, we should—”

Ben’s hand on her arm interrupted her.

“I’ve just—hold on a minute. I just saw somebody I know, I’ve got to go say ‘hi.’”

“What? Ben—” Sarah was bewildered by his obvious excitement.

“Just—a couple minutes—I’ll be right back.”

Ben took off before Sarah could protest further. He crossed toward the railing that acted as divider between the walkway and food court. Caleb was perched there, his back to Ben now, occupied in a lively conversation with a group of people crowded around one of the small tables.

As Ben came up, Caleb hopped off his perch and moved further away, forcing Ben to lean over the railing and swing with the rolled up brochure and hit Caleb’s shoulder with it to get his attention.

“Hey, Brewster!”

Caleb swung around. Confusion cleared into joy when he recognized Ben’s smiling face.

“What the hell! _Ben!_ ”

The embrace was too short but Ben was too distracted to mind. Caleb was older, his hair was longer and his beard fuller but he smile hadn’t changed and neither had his eyes.

They held each other’s arms and smiled in wonder for a few seconds before Caleb shook his head and laughed out, “What—what are you doing in the city?”

“I work here!”

“You’re kidding, so do I! I live here, too!”

“You _live_ here? Since when?”

“A year or so… just about,” Caleb’s voice trailed off, the brown eyes taking in every line of Ben’s face. “How long’s it been? Four years?”

“Yeah! Damn, four years.” It felt longer. “I—I can’t believe you’ve been so close for so long—I thought you were gone for good.”

“I would’ve gotten in touch—but your number isn’t your number anymore and I lost your old home number… then I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Well, it’s lucky I saw you, then.” Ben smiled kindly.

“Real lucky.”

“What you are doing now? Where do you work?”

“I’m a foreman at a warehouse downtown. And I barkeep nights.”

“Wow. When’s the last time you had just one job?”

“Never?”

They laughed.

“What about you, Ben? Invent anything yet?”

“I majored in linguistics, Caleb—I’d have to come up with an entire language to meet that criteria.”

“I can’t believe you haven’t yet.”

“Give me a break, I’m working on it.” Laughter again. “No, I work at a private school a couple blocks from here. The Jervey-Quintard Academy.”

“No shit? I know that place. It’s fuckin’ swanky. The hell they have you doing there?”

“Academic counseling. A little bit of personal tutoring.”

“Putting that degree to good use!”

“Yeah, I’m happy with it.”

“Good, that’s great, Ben.”

They exchanged smiles and didn’t notice the silence that fell.

“Yo, how’s Sam? I haven’t talked to him in forever, either.”

“Sam’s good! He’s great, actually. He’s getting married.”

“ _Married_? Who said ‘yes’ to _him_?”

“Her name is Beth. She’s fantastic. Sam and I have been trying to convince that she’s making a mistake, but she doesn’t agree.”

“Am I invited to the wedding?” Caleb asked, half-serious.

“Of course! Sam wanted you to be the best man—even said he’d tried to get in contact with you. Don’t know what happened to that.”

“Best man, huh? Isn’t that supposed to be your job?”

“I was the back-up plan. But now I guess I’m off the hook.”

“When’s this all supposed to go down, anyway?”

“Late May. I forget the date. Sam’s completely ecstatic. It’s funny to watch.”

“So, what, you getting some shopping done?” Caleb gestured around them.

“I’m seeing a movie.”

As if on cue, Ben heard Sarah call his name from somewhere behind him. He turned to see she had advanced halfway to him, and was looking at him expectantly.

“Oh—your movie? Your movie date, rather.” Caleb corrected himself.

“Yeah—she’s—I kind of ditched her when I saw you. I think the movie starts soon.” Ben explained sheepishly, feeling awkward all of a sudden. But he couldn’t leave yet, there was so much to say, too much for a few minutes in passing. Ben began to panic. Now that they stood face to face again, the fear of losing Caleb rushed back into him with renewed force.

“Well, listen, you got something to write on?” Caleb fought off bits of the same panic. “Of course, you do. Oh, and he’s got a pen on him, too. I what else was I expecting from a Yale graduate?”

Ben grinned and Caleb slapped the slip of paper against his shoulder to write on it.

“There’s my number. Shoot me a text. Try to work me into your jam-packed schedule and we’ll do something, yeah?”

Ben took the paper and Caleb looked up at him again, his gaze clear and intense.

“Goddamn, Ben, it’s so good to see you again.”

“Yeah, it’s—”

“Ben…” from Sarah behind him.

Ben began to back up, holding a hand out to touch Caleb’s shoulder once before he went.

“I’ll text you. We’ll figure something out.”

He joined Sarah again with an insincere apology and they started off.

“ _Fuck_!” he heard from Caleb. Ben turned. “Your pen!”

Caleb held it up.

“Keep it!” Ben called back, waving him off with a laugh. A tide of giddiness washed over him. It took him the whole walk to the theater to wipe the smile from his face. He stumbled through an explanation to Sarah who watched him out of the side of her eye with a bemused expression. She didn’t understand. Ben couldn’t care less.

Caleb turned back to his friends, all of whom had questions for him. Caleb answered without really thinking, his mind full of Ben. A discomfort began to gather beneath his skin mingling with his excitement, causing his heart to quicken. The feeling was oddly familiar.


	6. Chapter 6

“Am I late?”

“No, I was early.”

Ben smiled in a sweet, self-conscious way, rising from his chair by the window in the coffee house where they met. Caleb tried to reorder his nerves, which were out of place for the first time in four years. Ben had changed, his features defined and he seemed to have finally grown into his limbs. His hair was long, almost chin-length, but was completely neat. The only strand out of place fell down over his forehead for a moment before he mechanically tucked it behind his right ear. He carried a new air of self-assurance about him, too, that was different from the hesitant, doubt-filled boy Caleb knew. But so much of him was unchanged. Mannerisms connected to memories over a decade old. Tones and inflections in the voice were the same, and he had the same expressive brow.

They exchanged a hug and Ben pushed him away gently with a sudden expression of concern.

“You’re cold. What, did you walk?”

“Yeah, I don’t have a car. Scrapped the Chevrolet years ago.”

“How far was it? Where do you live?”

“Downtown. It was less than an hour.”

“An _hour_? Caleb, you should of told me! I wouldn’t have made you walk so far. Jesus!”

“Ben. Don’t worry about it. I’ve got a coat, I walk fast, and I wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t wanted to.”

Ben remembered how much he loved the way a smile would slide unto Caleb’s face as he spoke and change his tone, making it sweeter and warmer by degrees.

“Well, let’s order. Get something to warm you up. I’m buying.”

“You don’t have to—”

“Don’t fight me, you won’t win. I want to. You can owe me one if it makes you feel better.”

Caleb held up his hands in surrender and followed Ben to the cashier’s line.

“You live in the city?”

“No, I’ve got an apartment in the suburbs. It’s about a twenty minute drive from the city limits.”

“An apartment, huh? I was kind of expecting to hear it was one of those whitewashed tombs with a two-car garage and a pool out back.”

They stepped up to the cashier and ordered. Caleb turned and leaned against the counter while Ben produced his wallet.

“I can’t afford a house,” Ben said, shaking his head. “The price or the commitment.”

“You’re about the last person I expected to have commitment issues,” Caleb poked.

Ben glanced at Caleb as he spoke and began to smile before he even finished the crack. The smiled started slow and widened as Ben’s comprehension of the joke gathered. Caleb had to look away, turning his eyes to the cashier, who was handing Ben his receipt. She was watching Ben, too, and looked railroaded. Caleb felt the same. Ben thanked her without noticing the blank stare that returned.

Coffees in hand, they agreed to walk to the nearby park instead of finding a table inside. The day was chilly, the sun shone and there was no wind, so the walk was nice. Ben asked him about his travels, and listened intently to stories of the farm in Sweden and the factory in Germany and later the bar in D.C.

“Oh, I forgot,” Caleb said presently, digging into his pants pocket. “Here’s your pen.”

“You could have kept it, I don’t...” Ben started, then stopped when he took the pen. “This isn’t my pen.”

Caleb inhaled dramatically, “Okay, so I lost your pen. But this is a better one. See? It clicks.”

He reached over and pressed the button on the top. The pen clicked. Ben snorted.

“They are better when they click.”

“I’m glad we’re on the same page on this one, Ben. It’s a deal-breaker for me,” Caleb gibed, mocking himself more than Ben.

Empty coffee cups were tossed into a trashcan and they found a bench overlooking the duck pond and settled into it. Caleb leaned back, arms stretched out over the bench’s back, Ben leaned forward with elbows rested on his knees, turning the pen over in his fingers.

“So, uh, movie date. She your girlfriend?” Caleb finally produced the burning question.

“Yeah.” Ben kept quiet for an oddly long period of time, but Caleb simply waited. “Her name’s Sarah. She works at the school, too. Teaching history.”

“Wait, weren’t you going to major in history?” Caleb recalled.

“Yep. That’s what I declared my first semester but I switched to linguistics in my second.”

“A common interest. Must give you guys plenty to talk about.”

Ben paused again. “Yeah.”

Then, feeling the oddness of his reticence, he continued, “She’s great. We spend a lot of time together and she makes going to work every day that much easier.”

Caleb wasn’t sure why he didn’t like this part of the conversation, but he was beginning to feel irritated so he changed the subject back.

“I always liked history. I think I did pretty well in history class.”

Ben threw an indignant laugh over his shoulder, bringing relief.

“I read half the history textbook for you your senior year! I took notes for you and drilled you on the answers for several of the tests.”

“Oh, shit. I remember that!” Caleb barked a laugh. “What did you get for it?”

Ben shrugged. “Nothing.”

“I can’t believe I made you do that.”

“You didn’t make me.”

His tone was soft, but Caleb couldn’t see his face. Ben’s head had turned away from him quickly, as if something on the far side of him had caught his eye. Caleb’s hand tightened on the bench behind Ben’s back, fighting the sudden urge to reach and trace between Ben’s shoulder blades with his fingertips.

_Oh, god. It can’t be happening again, can it?_

Caleb pulled his arms back in quickly and leaned forward to mirror Ben’s position. Ben’s head swung back.

“And what about you, you seeing anybody?”

“Ah.” Caleb shrugged and made a deflective gesture. “Here and there.”

“Anyone special?”

“Nah. I mean—there’s one girl. I work with her, too.”

“What’s her name?”

“Genevieve.”

“Sheesh. That’s not name you hear often.”

“She’s not a girl you find often.”

“She sounds special,” Ben pushed teasingly.

“It’s not serious. But we have fun together.”

“That works. Whatever makes you happy.”

Ben was watching him intently, as if looking for something. Caleb smiled casually and shrugged him off.

“It’s fun,” he concluded simply.

The conversation lulled. Hardly for lack of topics, for each had his own questions, each his own words aching to be said. But a tension settled over them and the questions were decided against, the words swallowed. The interest they expressed in wanting to see each other again calmed their growing fears. They parted with smiles and plans for the near future forming in their heads, despite all mental efforts against them.


	7. Chapter 7

Ben saw a stupid billboard in the city a couple days later. He took a picture of it at the stoplight and texted it to Caleb with a joking caption. Caleb thought it was funny. They texted a lot over the next few days in long strings of ridiculous topics that would be completely incomprehensible to anyone beyond them. The phone screen would light up, drawing Ben’s eye to where it lay to the side on his desk. The sight of Caleb’s name on the notification was enough to make him smile. Caleb felt the buzz of his phone in his pocket and grinned a little wider when he slid a mint julep to the man seated at the bar.

 

“You’ll never guess who I found.”

Ben had his phone call with Sam on speaker as he packed to leave work for the day.

“’ _Who_ ’ you found? What are you, Missing Persons?”

Ben ignored him as a matter of routine. “Caleb.”

“Caleb? As in _Caleb Brewster_? You’re kidding! Is he back in the States?”

“Yep. He’s actually here in the city. I ran into him by chance. It was crazy.”

“Oh, my god. I always hoped that bastard would show up sometime. Damn, I miss him.”

“You should drive down some evening. I’ll have him over and you guys can catch up. Bring Beth if she wants to come. I’m sure Caleb would love to meet her.”

 

Sam and Beth were due in the city around six. Ben told Caleb to be at the academy by five and they would go back to Ben’s apartment together. Caleb had planned to walk, but decided on a taxi at the last minute and ended up arriving nearly twenty minutes early. He wandered into the lobby area, looking around with unguarded amusement at the lavishly decorated interior. He caught sight of the receptionist, regarding him with obvious suspicion. A bearded man in a winter coat, worn jeans and boots certainly looked out of place in an academic mausoleum like this one. Caleb approached and stated his business in his naturally disarming manner and was directed back to Ben’s office.

“Come on in,” Ben’s voice responded to the knock with mechanical cordiality. He definitely wasn’t expecting Caleb yet.

“Shit, you’ve got your name on the door and everything. That’s wild. I got my name printed on a pencil once.” Caleb swung in, grinning.

“Hey!” Ben looked up with a surprised smile, his face lit up from his laptop screen. Caleb expected a remark about his timing, but Ben just sat there and smiled.

“Hey,” Caleb returned, laughing, when he realized no further comment was coming from Ben.

“Mr. Tallmadge, I sent you home an hour ago!” A third voice came from behind Caleb, he whirled.

A curly haired man stood just outside the door giving Ben a pointed look over the rims of his glasses. Ben started into some vague, sheepish attempt at an excuse but the man ignored him and turned abruptly to Caleb.

“Are you supposed to be getting him out of here?”

“Yeah. Well, he’s my ride.”

“Nathaniel Sackett.”

“Caleb Brewster.”

“Good to meet you.” Then, turning back to Ben, “The man needs a ride, Tallmadge. Let’s not keep him waiting. The assessments can wait till tomorrow. You’re still a week out from the deadline as it is.”

“Oh, you know what, Sackett?” Ben stood and came forward, brows drawn together in a new thought, disregarding him completely. “I wanted to ask you if you had a chance to talk to Mrs. Vaughn yet.”

“Ah, yes, the interminable Mrs. Vaughn...”

As Ben and Dean Sackett discussed the topic of the Vaughn children and their mother, Ben began to realize that Caleb was no longer standing directly beside him as he had when Ben first approached Sackett. He stopped mid-sentence and turned to see Caleb at his desk, shutting the lid of his laptop.

“Caleb—!”

“Relax, I saved your documents.”

“ _All_ of them?”

“All six.”

Pulled back from the brink of panic, Ben deflated and vaguely directed Caleb to the messenger bag behind the desk when Caleb asked where to put the laptop.

“Anything else need to go in here?”

“The...uh, the stack of blue files on the left there.”

Caleb packed them up and brought the bag over, holding up the strap to put it over Ben’s head. Ben ducked into it without really thinking and let Caleb hang it over his shoulder.

“Okay, that’s everything?”

“Yeah, I—I guess so.”

“Good, I’m starving.”

Sackett stood back and simply watched, containing his amusement behind a deigning frown.

They started out together, but Ben stopped in his tracks when they reached the lobby.

“Wait—”

“ _Ben._ Let’s go.”

Ben fumbled for his car keys and shoved them into Caleb’s hand, telling him to go find the car and start it. Caleb protested loudly but complied grudgingly when a smile accompanied Ben’s insistence.

“It’s the blue Sentra on the second...”

“I’m pretty sure I can find it, Ben. There’s probably only three cars left out there anyway.”

“I’ll just be a couple minutes, I forgot some copies on the printer.”

Ben ran back to his office and unlocked the door, hurrying in to gather the papers off the printer and slip them into the bag at his hip. He nearly collided with Sackett on the way out of the office.

“I forgot...” he started lamely.

“Of course.”

Sackett’s voice stopped him as he started to leave, “Friend of yours?”

Ben nodded.

“Keep him around, Tallmadge. He’s good for you.”

 

“I’m gonna get changed. The kitchen’s through there, go find something to eat. I’m making dinner but I won’t make you wait till then. Just throw your coat on the chair there.”

Ben disappeared behind a door. Caleb glanced around as he slipped out of his coat, taking in details of the interior. This was where Ben lived. Caleb’s mind attached an inane importance to it all. He liked every piece of furniture and thought the whole of it generally wonderful. The kitchen was nice, too, clean and well-organized. He opened the fridge.

“Wow, you’ve got _food_ in here!” He called.

“Yeah, I went grocery shopping. You know what that is, Caleb?”

Ben’s voice was unexpectedly close, and he appeared in doorway to the kitchen.

“Never heard of it.”

Caleb paused, distracted by the sight of Ben. Somehow he looked better in track pants and an old Yale sweatshirt than he did in the dress shirts and slacks Caleb had seen him in so far. He remembered that sweatshirt, too. He was sure he’d worn it once…

The doorbell buzzed.

Ben’s face lit in a smile, more excited on Caleb’s behalf than on his own.

“That’s them.”

“ _Sammy_!” Caleb shouted when he threw the door open.

Sam barreled in and swept Caleb up in his arms, lifting him from the floor. Beth smiled and slipped past them to greet Ben with a hug and hand over the bottle of wine she brought.

“Sam’s been so excited,” she said, “he couldn’t keep still the whole ride here.”

Caleb and Beth were introduced with wreaths of smiles and much anticipated affection on both sides.

“So, you’re gonna marry this jackass?” Caleb asked Beth when she rejoined them at the dining table from helping Ben finish dinner preparations.

“That’s the plan,” Beth answered, her dark eyes shining with humor.

“She’s too good for me,” Sam threw in. “That’s the one thing her parents and I agree on.”

Beth swatted at him. “Oh, stop.” Then, turning to Caleb, “My parents love him.”

“I think they like Ben better.”

“Everybody likes Ben better,” Caleb teased, throwing a glance up at Ben as he came out of the kitchen with a stack of plates. Ben’s brows drew together in confusion and Caleb waved him off.

Sam and Caleb spent most of dinner exchanging stories of the four years spent apart. Ben and Beth joined occasionally, but for the most part both were content to watch and listen. Warm, loving smiles hovered over their lips in the moments between laughter and speech.

Beth complimented Ben’s cooking when they had all pushed their plates away.

“Yeah, it was great,” Caleb agreed. “I guess I should have known you could cook, too. At this rate it’s a wonder Sarah hasn’t moved in yet.”

Ben gave a short laugh, concealing his discomfort.

“She’s tells me she isn’t willing to commit to anything until I get my hair cut.”

“About that, when are you gonna get rid of that mop?” Sam pounced on the joke.

“It’s not a mop!” Beth protested kindly. “I think it looks very nice.”

Ben thanked her with a smile.

“I only think about it seriously when I don’t have the time to do anything about it. When I have the time, I don’t feel like worrying about it. It’s pretty much come down to pure laziness at this point.”

Caleb wanted to tell Ben that he loved his hair. He loved how soft it looked and he loved the way strands of it would fall across Ben’s forehead. He wanted to tell Ben how sweet he looked he when he dropped his head and ran his fingers through it. But he couldn’t say any of those things.

“You, lazy? _Never._ ” He teased instead.

Ben made a face and threw a corn chip at him. Beth turned to look at Sam, her expression covertly blank. Sam gave her an almost imperceptible shrug. They all pitched in to clear the table and tidy the kitchen. Sam and Beth returned to their glasses of wine at the table while Ben and Caleb migrated to the couch in the living room to fight over the TV remote.

“Feeling like training wheels on a tricycle?” Sam murmured the question, gently bumping his shoulder into Beth’s.

“Oh, no,” Beth assured him. “I like watching you guys. The dynamics between you three are really interesting. And you all love each other so much.”

Sam nodded.

“But, um, what’s the story there?” Beth indicated the two on the couch, her tone quiet and tactful.

“I’ve never been able to figure them out,” Sam shrugged. “Caleb and I have been friends since before we could talk, really. So Ben was kind of a natural appendage to us from the beginning, but his relationship with Caleb was always different than mine. I—I know they love each other a lot. But I had this feeling that they weren’t on the same page about—” He stopped. “I don’t know.”

But Beth realized what he meant and understood. They could hear the argument Ben and Caleb were having from where they sat and hid their amusement.

“If that’s the way you’re gonna be I want my pen back.”

“Hell no! You can’t take it back. It’s the only retractable one I have. All the ones they have at JQ are those stupid plain ones with the caps.”

“The ones I’ve got don’t even have caps. I want a clicky pen, too!”

“It’s mine now, bitch. Go buy your own clicky pens.”

“You want me to go to the store a buy a pack of pens? Who _does_ that?”

“I would.”

“You don’t count.”

“What do you mean I don’t count?”

“Because that’s the kind of stupid shit only you would think is normal.”

“What makes it stupid?”

“I don’t know, it’s just stupid.”

“You’re stupid.”

“Oh, _good one_ , Ben.”

Ben hit Caleb with a throw pillow.

“Shut your damn mouth.”

The evening slipped past, none of the four noticed the time. It was nearly midnight before any one of them glanced at the clock. Still, it felt too short. Ben attempted to convince Caleb to let him drive Caleb home, but Caleb wouldn’t hear of it and called a cab. Sam and Beth waited until the cab arrived before taking off themselves, and Ben watched them all leave from the front stairs of his apartment building, trying to hang onto the happiness that filled him in their company. His weight felt heavy to him on his way back up the stairs. He pushed a hanging sadness he did not understand from his mind and forced himself to sleep.

Caleb watched the city lights streak across the back window of the cab and held his coat tighter against a shiver. He wouldn’t sleep tonight, he knew that. He hadn’t slept a full night since he first saw Ben again. Caleb loved him again. It couldn’t be avoided or ignored. He knew it was happening every time Ben smiled. He said goodnight to the driver when he paid him and decided to take a walk before going up to his apartment. He let the night swallow the loneliness and tried not to think about it.

 

“Are you in love with him?”

Caleb stared out through the windshield of Sam’s car. They found the halfway point between their houses and met there for dinner a week or so later. Now they sat in the parked car in the lot in back of the restaurant, just talking. Caleb had spent plenty of nights like this with Sam, it felt like home. But now he shifted uncomfortably and tried to ignore the expectancy of Sam’s silence.

“Were you in love with him then?”

Sam didn’t have to specify.

“It doesn’t matter—it’s all wrong!” Caleb broke out suddenly.

“It’s _not_ wrong!”

“I don’t mean that—not like that. I mean, it’s wrong because we’re friends and we always just been friends. And besides that, he’s got a girlfriend. He’s straight, Sam. He probably wouldn’t even understand—and I can’t—I couldn’t bear that.”

“He’s _Ben,_ Caleb, he loves you. Of course he’d understand.”

“You know him, Sam. If I told him he’d carry it around like a deadweight. He’d feel worried and guilty and it would—it would change things. I don’t want things to change between us. He’s the best part of my life right now. I don’t want to screw this up.”

“So you’re just gonna bottle it up? Pretend like it’s not even there?”

Caleb shrugged but Sam knew he meant “yes.”

“You’ll be lying to him every day, Caleb. He deserves your honesty. I know you believe that.”

Caleb couldn’t answer. He didn’t trust his voice. Sam was right but Caleb still couldn’t conceive of how he would ever break it to Ben. He could imagine the expression on Ben’s face. His eyes would widen and his brow would knit with distress. He would look like a dog who had just been kicked. Caleb’s chest constricted with the thought.

“You _have_ to tell him.”

“I know.”

“And hey, if you lose him, you’ve got me.”

“I feel better already.”

“Well you don’t have to be an asshole about it.”

Caleb laughed, trying to ease the ache.

“Yeah, I’m glad I’ve got you, Sam.”


	8. Chapter 8

On a Monday in late February a snow storm hit the city with an unpredicted ferocity. By five that evening city schools had already canceled for the next day. Sarah didn’t want Ben attempting to drive home in the blizzard so they walked to her apartment a couple blocks from the school. The evening seemed to drag on. They spoke very little, as usual, but it felt different. Ben felt strained and struggled to appear calm and happy.

Ben’s phone vibrated loudly against the wood of the bedside table, waking him the next morning. He reached over and snatched it up, worried that it would wake Sarah. Ben held the phone to his chest and watched Sarah for a moment to see if she stirred. She was still. With a breath of relief, Ben lifted the phone and saw a message from Caleb.

_Get home alright?_

Ben unlocked the phone and smiled as he tapped out the reply, explaining that he hadn’t gone home and was stuck in the city until the roads were cleared.

An ellipsis popped up on the screen for a split second and then disappeared. It returned for a moment before another text came in. _I’m off work._ _Tuesday’s_ _are load/unload days and the trucks can’t get into the city because of the snow._ Then, a moment later: _News says school is canceled._

Ben’s chest felt warm.

_Sounds like you’ve got something in mind._

_Maybe._

Ben didn’t wait. He suggested breakfast. He wanted to leave, get out and away from Sarah as soon as possible. He felt guilty for it, but he figured it would be best for the both of them he he indulged himself this time. Caleb mentioned a diner near his apartment, but was worried that it was too far. Ben told him that he wouldn’t mind the walk.

_I’ll come to you this time._

Sarah cocked an eyebrow when he told her he was meeting Caleb for breakfast.

“Do you have a clean shirt?”

Out of all the questions Ben imagined her asking, this was not one.

“What’s wrong with this one?”

“It’s all wrinkled, Ben.”

“He won’t care.”

“Okay.”

Her tone was vaguely unpleasant and Ben began to move more quickly, his desire to leave becoming urgent.

The storm had covered the old piles of dirtied snow with a fresh blanket of purest white. Cars were buried and drifts blocked the windows of storefronts. It was quiet, relatively, contrasting against the city’s usual din. The effect was simultaneously eerie and peaceful. Ben didn’t like the fact that he enjoyed the walk, away from Sarah and toward Caleb. The snowed crunched under his shoes and the cold bit at his cheeks and it all made him happy.

“I’m surprised this place is open. Most of the places I passed were shut up.”

They slid into opposite sides of a booth by the window.

“This place is always open. But y’know, this is the first time I’ve been in here.”

“Really? You said it was close to your place.”

Caleb nodded, “My place’s just around the corner. But I’ve never come in. Guess I’ve never had anyone to come with. I don’t like eating out alone.”

They ordered and talked while they waited. Ben could feel his body begin to relax, the tenseness in his shoulders loosening and his mind clearing of its jumbled anxieties. But as they talked he began to feel himself _too_ relaxed. The comments that slipped from him were unguarded, thoughts that came to mind came out in words without any of the usual processing. He was forced to backtrack over and over, fixing words that came out a little too affectionately or might be misconstrued.

“Beth’s wonderful. I’m happy for them,” Caleb said when the subject of the wedding came up. “I’ve never seen Sam so calm. I think she makes him feel relaxed, like he doesn’t have to be anything he’s not. And that’s wonderful. It’s hard to find somebody like that—someone who you can be just yourself around.”

“Yeah, it is hard. I guess you and I are lucky.”

Caleb looked up from his plate, his expression soft and vaguely bewildered. Ben bit his lip and returned his attention to his own breakfast, which was growing cold from neglect.

“Yeah.” Caleb was smiling now, brushing off the moment with his usual nonchalance.

“So, how’s the food?” Caleb asked after a small silence. “I’m not picky, I can’t tell if it’s good or not.”

Ben chuckled, “It’s good! Might be worth coming back here. I’d skip the coffee though, it’s pretty bad.”

Caleb nodded thoughtfully and didn’t answer for a second. Then he leaned forward and said suddenly, “Why don’t you come back to my apartment with me, I’ll bet I make better coffee.”

“That wouldn’t be hard,” Ben returned, deflecting.

“Then it’ll be much better. I owe you a coffee, anyway, right?”

Ben watched Caleb, arms folded onto the table and a charming eagerness in his manner. Ben smiled.

“Okay.”

The sun had come out and the air had warmed considerably, already beginning to melt the sparkling piles of snow. The street was plowed and covered in slush, and both realized they hadn’t seen or heard the truck pass. It was odd to think the world existed and continued beyond the booth by the window.

“This place actually used to be a warehouse, too,” Caleb was explaining as they climbed the stairs to his third floor apartment a block away. “The heating is terrible but the rent’s low.”

The apartment was roomy, with high, slanted ceilings and large windows running along the far wall. An arch to the left against the back wall led to what Ben assumed was the kitchen. Unpainted drywall formed a hall opposite the arch and created the third wall of the living room area. The furnishings were cozy and well-worn. Perfect for Caleb, Ben thought fondly. He made a show of looking around for Caleb’s benefit, moving from the door back toward the windows, signaling exaggerated approval. Caleb watched him earnestly and grew impatient.

Suddenly, he burst out, “How do you like it?”

“It’s very nice, Caleb.” Ben answered sincerely, then added, “And— _clean_ —which is surprising.”

“Hey—” Caleb jabbed an indignant finger at him, but stopped when he, too, took a better look at the room. He blinked. “Huh. It is really clean. Genny must’ve cleaned up earlier.”

“Thought so.” Ben gave him a teasing smile and Caleb glared.

“Shut up, Tallmadge.” Then, more amiably, “Have a seat, I’ll go get the coffee started.”

Ben complied, sinking into an incredibly comfortable old couch that stood with its back to the door. He reached for one of the tabloid magazines on the coffee table.

“Doing some heavy reading, Caleb?” He called, flipping through the magazine without interest.

Caleb’s head poked out of the arch to see what Ben was referring to. Ben held it up with a grin.

“Those are Genny’s.”

“Sure.”

“Shut up.”

Caleb disappeared back into the kitchen and Ben tossed the magazine back onto the table. The door behind him clicked and Ben turned at the sound. A woman in neon sports clothes entered, a purse and coat balancing in the crook of her arm. She came in and closed the door before she caught sight of Ben on the couch. The two regarded each other with surprise and in silence for a good minute. This must be Genevieve, Ben realized. She was, objectively, beautiful. The neon pink of her jacket stood out on dark, shining skin. Black hair was pulled into a high pony with loose strands falling around an angular face. A fantastic set of lashes framed a pair of inquistive brown eyes.

“Hey,” she said, but her tone had a question in it.

“Hello,” Ben answered quickly, self-consciousness taking over. He stood. “I’m gonna take a stab in the dark here—you’re Genevieve?”

He came forward and offered a hand.

“Good aim.” Genevieve tossed the keys she held onto the side table by the door and took his hand. “Who are you?”

“Ben. I’m a friend of Caleb’s.”

Caleb must have heard the sound of the keys hitting the table because he poked his head out again.

“Genny! Hell are you doing here?”

“I left my uniform here.” Ben looked away. “I texted you about it!”

“My phone died.”

“That’s because you never charge it.”

“Hop off my ass, Genny. Oh, and thanks for cleaning up around here.” He disappeared again and Genevieve followed him. Ben hung back, completely at a loss of what to do with himself. He decided to follow but ended up standing awkwardly just outside the kitchen’s entrance.

“You want something to drink, Ben?” Genevieve called over the fridge door as she rummaged inside.

“Yo, Genny, I got it covered. I’m making coffee,” Caleb interjected, a drop of annoyance in his tone.

“Coffee? It’s after noon, Caleb. Did you ask your friend if he wants a beer or something?”

“Coffee’s fine,” Ben joined, directing his answer more toward Caleb than Genevieve.

“Really? Because there’s plenty of beer in here.” Genevieve gestured to the fridge as she shut it. “Pretty sure there’s some wine around here somewhere and vodka, too. This guy drinks it like water.” She jerked her head toward Caleb but was grinning at Ben.

“I know,” Ben laughed, meeting eyes with Caleb, who looked up at Ben’s reply. “Since high school.”

“Hey!” Jabbing another finger, Caleb’s tone was indignant but he was glowing. “Standardized testing was the pits!”

“I agree, wholeheartedly. But did you ever stop to consider that it might not have been so _hard_ if you were sober?”

“ _Psh,_ no.” Caleb stopped, looked thoughtful for a split second then said: “Well—maybe. But they wouldn’t have been as fun!”

Ben laughed again and shook his head, Caleb grinned back with a look of wonder creeping into his gaze.

“You two have known each other for that long?” Genevieve’s question seemed like an interruption despite the silence.

“Longer.”

Caleb’s stomach dropped at the sweetness in Ben’s tone. A sort of lingering, nostalgic warmth hung on that single word. Neither of them heard Genevieve’s response.

“I’m gonna take a shower before I leave for work, okay, Caleb?”

“Yeah, sure.” Caleb made a vague gesture of affirmation. The coffee maker beeped.

Genevieve left the kitchen and passed Ben into the hall, calling back over her shoulder, “I won’t be back here tonight, I’ve got a date.”

“Right.” Caleb called back.

Caleb wasn’t looking at him when Ben moved to take Genevieve’s place in the small kitchen. He put both palms on the counter and settled against it, watching Caleb’s back as he prepared two mugs of coffee.

“Does that—bother you?” He ventured suddenly.

Caleb anticipated this question.

“What, that she sees other people?”

“Yeah.”

Caleb turned to hand Ben his mug.

“Nah. We’re not exclusive or anything. She has other dates all the time.”

“And you do, too?” Ben cursed himself for asking and buried himself in his mug. _Why the hell would you need to know that, you_ _dumbass_ _?_

Caleb didn’t seem to notice the inanity of the question.

“If there’s somebody I’m interested in, who’s interested in me, then sure. Genny and I don’t worry each other about it.”

“I couldn’t operate like that.” Then, realizing the disparagement implied in the words amended, “I mean, it obviously works for the both of you. You’re happy.” He searched Caleb’s face when he said this, not sure of what he hoped to find.

“I just—” he went on, giving up all hope of stopping the train wreck of words coming from his mouth, “I don’t think I could be happy being with someone who dated other people at the same time. I guess I need to know that there will be that extra length of commitment before I pursue something.”

“Do you ever really _know_ , though?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re not with Sarah every minute of the day. How do you know she doesn’t flirt with other people behind your back?” Caleb’s voice had a bite to it that confused Ben. He stared, brows knit together, feeling a little hurt.

“She—” Did he know? Ben realized he didn’t know Sarah at all. He couldn’t say with certainty how she felt about him, or how faithful she would choose to be. “Well, she knows I wouldn’t do that to her.”

“Of course, _you_ wouldn’t,” Caleb snorted. After a pause he continued in a softer, almost apologetic tone, “And I’m sure she wouldn’t either, Ben. All I was saying is that it’s hard to ever _know_ that someone is willing to be committed to you—and only you.”

Once again neither were aware of the time that passed in their silence, both wrapped half in the other’s gaze and half in their own thoughts. Ben snatched his mug up again and gulped down a mouthful. A halfhearted smile lightened Caleb’s face.

“You guys will be happy though, Benny. You’re both the ‘love, honor, and obey’ type. We’ll probably hear bells for the second Tallmadge boy soon.”

“Oh,” Ben’s voice broke into a laugh, and he shook his head, “we’re not like _that_ , Caleb. I mean, I care about Sarah a lot, but I don’t think—I don’t think she’s the one I’ll be with always.”

Ben was as surprised as Caleb by this admission.

For the twentieth time that day, Ben continued in a jumbled panic, desperately trying to fill the awkwardness between them: “She’s great—and I’ll stay with her for as long as things work between us, but it isn’t like she’s the end of the road, you know? She can’t be…”

Ben broke off and fell silent, feeling his head burn with embarrassment. Here he was, spilling his guts on Caleb’s kitchen floor. He told Caleb things he couldn’t even admit to himself.

“She doesn’t have to be. You’re young, Ben, you’ve got plenty of time to sort this all out. And most of the time these things sort themselves out. Don’t worry about it too much.”

“I—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—I don’t want to unload all of this on you.”

“Hey,” Caleb’s tone was both kindly and firm, and he paused until Ben looked up to meet his gaze. “What are friends for?”

Ben let out the breath he held with a laugh, smiling in gratitude.

“You, uh, have to work tonight?” He changed the subject after a moment.

“Yeah but not until later. You don’t have to hurry out.”

“Damn, I was hoping for an excuse,” Ben joked.

Caleb flashed a smile but his eyes remained solemn.

“How was your coffee?”

“Much better,” Ben said sweetly. He didn’t actually know, although his mug was empty he hadn’t tasted a drop.

 _Can you stop back here before you head home?_ The text came in from Sarah a little while later. Ben saw it when he glanced at his screen. He felt his stomach tighten in resistance and didn’t move to reply. Genny returned then and the flow of conversation faltered in their attempt to include her. Worry mounted in Ben as his mind explored every possible reason why Sarah wanted him to come back. Worst-case scenarios were, of course, the first that came to mind.

Goodbyes were slightly more awkward in front of Genny, Ben extended a hand instead of the hug that had by now become a matter of course. Caleb’s glance was knowing but he hid his disappointment from Ben with an expression of amusement. Genny’s smile was obliviously friendly. They exchanged the customary “nice-to-meet-yous” and Ben tried his best to mean it. He left feeling empty and turned to face whatever horrors Sarah had in store for him.

 

“It was a one-time thing, Ben. I tried to make something out of it because I felt guilty. Then I stuck around because I thought it was what you wanted and I cared about you so I didn’t want to hurt you. But this isn’t any good for either of us. Half the time I don’t even _like_ you all that much, and I don’t want it like that. I think you feel it, too, Ben. I know you couldn’t wait to get out of here this morning.”

Ben sat on Sarah’s couch, staring at the rug between his shoes. He lifted his head when she finished, wanting to protest. She looked at him with a half-smile on her face. A rueful smile, but not unkind. She understood.

“I know you only stayed because you didn’t want to hurt me, either,” she urged after a minute of silence. “Well, you’re not gonna hurt me, so don’t let that worry you.”

Ben drew in a breath and couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

“Are you upset?” Sarah asked.

“No, you’re right,” was all Ben said, his voice quiet and calm.

“Okay,” Sarah started slowly, “we end it here, then? No hard feelings, see you tomorrow?”

Ben found himself smiling at her. Straightforward, no bullshit. That was Sarah. And suddenly he knew he’d like her better from now on. They stood and Ben said with a nod:

“No hard feelings, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Sarah smirked and followed him to the door. They both felt an odd lightness that they sheepishly tried to ignore. Ben wondered if knowing what you don’t want was just as freeing as knowing what you want.


	9. Chapter 9

Ben operated mechanically for the next couple days, often coming out of deep reflection to find his tasks completed without his consciousness. Breaking off with Sarah had happened almost too quickly for him to process. He wasn’t bothered, or regretful. He found the latter particularly surprising and borderline unbelievable, but there it was. For the first day or so, he figured he just wasn’t thinking about it enough. But gradually he came to terms with this unsettling calm.

Late Friday night he lay in bed with a book, drifting off as his eyes traced the lines without comprehension. His phone buzzed with a phone call. It was from Caleb. In a split second, Ben was fully awake. He swiped across the screen and put the phone to his ear.

“Caleb?”

“Hey, Benny Boy!” Caleb’s voice crackled over the line, shouting and half-drowned by a background din.

“Hey, what’s up?”

Caleb was shouting something else, but the noise from his end of the line made it impossible to make out.

“What? I can’t hear what—”

The din suddenly ceased altogether.

“Sorry, it’s hella noisy in there. But it’s real quiet on your end. Home alone?”

“Yep.”

“Reading yourself to sleep?”

Caleb’s voice had a grin in it. Ben tossed the book from his lap in annoyance but could not protest. Caleb barked a laugh.

“I know you too well,” he cried triumphantly, his words slurring slightly.

“Caleb, are you drunk?” Ben laughed into the phone.

“I’m _buzzed_. There’s a significant difference.”

“Oh, right, sure.”

“Hey, I called you for a reason. Fuck, what was it? _Oh,_ right! Okay so, I have this friend named Rob, he works at the bar with Genny and I. You couldn’t tell it if you met him, but the guy’s a pool wizard. Dude can beat anybody—”

“Even you?” Ben interjected with exaggerated surprise.

“Even me.” Caleb ignored his tone and plowed on, “Anyway, so we’re out getting drinks, right, and there’s this douchebag yelling about how he can beat anybody here in a game of pool. So, of course, we take Rob over there and to see what he’s putting up for it. The guy’s got six tickets— _six tickets—_ to the Duke-Notre Dame tournament game next week. I like basketball. Rob likes basketball. So Rob played the guy and, long story short, he is now the proud owner of six tickets to the Duke-Notre Dame tournament game next week.”

Caleb tumbled through the story, breathless and slurring every other word. Ben couldn’t stop laughing. Caleb continued:

“Anyway, there’s only five of us planning on going at this point. I _can_ think of a sixth but he’s the ex of one of my other friends. She’s coming with us and she’s got a new girlfriend who is also coming along and he’s been really pissy about it so nobody really wants him around. I thought of you—thought maybe you’d like to come and fill the sixth ticket. And _that’s_ why I called you.”

Swallowing his laughter, Ben said:

“I’d love to come. Thanks for thinking of me. But are you sure you’ll still want me there when you’re sober? I don’t know much about basketball, I might be embarrassing to be with.”

“I’ve never been embarrassed by you in my life, I don’t see why this time would be any different.” Caleb missed the joke and spoke very sincerely, making that familiar warmth gather in Ben’s chest.

“Okay, Caleb.” Ben smiled and didn’t even attempt to explain the joke.

“So you’ll come?”

“I’ll come.”

Caleb shouted over-enthusiastic elation into Ben’s ear. For a minute, Ben thought of telling Caleb about him and Sarah, but he couldn’t seem to get it to come out. Caleb chattered on for a little while longer and Ben listened happily. After another twenty minutes they said goodnight, after Ben insisted on Caleb’s promise that whoever drove him home would be sober.

“You worry too much,” Caleb snickered.

“I worry just the right amount, thanks. I don’t want to risk anything happening to you.”

The line fell silent.

After a minute, “Caleb?”

“Yeah? Oh, yeah, I promise,” Caleb’s voice was quieter now. “You get to sleep, Benny. I’ll, uh, text you when I get home, alright?”

“Alright. Thanks for humoring me.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

“You’re sweet.” Ben meant it sarcastically, but it didn’t come out that way.

“I try. Goodnight, Ben.”

“’Night, Caleb.”

Ben hung up the phone call with soft chuckle, shaking his head. He turned off his light and settled into the mattress and smiled to himself as he closed his eyes. Funny how some things in life come full circle, he thought as sleep snuck up over him. Or maybe those things never went anywhere at all… It didn’t really matter. He knew what he wanted now.

 

The first weekend in March was traditionally when Nathaniel Tallmadge launched into his yearly spring cleaning. Sam and Ben were obliged to show up on Friday and stay till Sunday to help out. They both knew that at this point the whole thing was simply their father’s best excuse to get them to visit between Christmas and Memorial Day. They never minded.

“I don’t understand how there’s so much stuff in here,” Ben exclaimed, picking his way through the large, cluttered shed they tackled first. “There’s no way you’ve accumulated all of this since last March, Dad.”

“He didn’t,” Sam interjected before Nathaniel was able to speak. “He just moved it all back in after we left.”

“We’ll take a load in the truck to the dump on Sunday.”

“Don’t be cruel, Ben. If we do that, what will there be for us to clean next year?”

Sam and Ben laughed and Nathaniel glared at them both.

“Can’t get you prodigals back on any other pretense,” he said haughtily.

“’Prodigals’,” Sam repeated teasingly.

Ben stifled a laugh and shot Sam a “lay-off” glance.

The three worked in relative silence for a good half hour, until Nathaniel spoke suddenly:

“So, Ben, Sam called me the other day and was telling me all about Caleb Brewster and how he’s doing these days.”

Ben shot another look at Sam, who shrugged innocently and turned quickly to hide a smile.

“Okay—I can’t tell if you want to talk about Caleb or you’re trying to guilt-trip me because I forgot to call you last week.”

“I can hit two birds with one stone, Benjamin,” his father replied sweetly. “You and Caleb have spent quite a lot of time together this past month or so, haven’t you?”

“Well yeah, we—” Ben’s eyes narrowed. “Wait—what the hell is going on?”

Sam scrambled to his feet and started for the shed door.

“God, I’m parched. I’m going to go get myself a drink of water. Anybody else want some water?”

Neither Ben or Nathaniel answered and they let him go.

“What the hell did he tell you?”

“Language, Ben!”

“What did he tell you?”

“Why should he tell me anything?”

“He obviously told you something!”

“About what?”

“Caleb and I.”

“Are you saying it isn’t true?”

“ _Dad!_ ”

Nathaniel bit back a smile and sighed dramatically.

“He just told me you two were seeing a lot of each other.”

“Why shouldn’t we? We’re friends and we work in the same city! We’re just—around—a lot.”

“You’re just _around_ a lot?”

Nathaniel completely gave up on subtlety and gave Ben an aggravated glare.

“I have this odd feeling you and Sam talked about this for much longer than you’re letting on.”

“And I think there’s a lot more to the whole thing than _you’re_ letting on.” Nathaniel jabbed a finger.

Ben watched his father watching him. They were silent for a long while, Nathaniel simply waiting while Ben tried to figure out what to say. He stood suddenly, deliberately moving a little further away to gather up a pile of broken tools to take out to the truck.

“I don’t really know,” he muttered. That was a lie and Nathaniel knew it. Finally decided, Ben added, “I don’t know _yet—_ because haven’t brought it up with him yet.”

Ben straightened, arms wrapped around the tools. He shifted their weight and avoided his father’s gaze. Nathaniel made a thoughtful noise and stood also, surveying the progress of their cleaning without any real interest in it.

“I always wondered,” he said offhandedly as he picked his way back toward the door, “when the two of you were gonna get back round to each other.”

Without a change of tone and hardly in a new breath, Nathaniel expressed his own thirst and told Ben he was going into the house to seek out some refreshment. Ben remained in the shed, still hugging the mangled gardening tools to chest, stunned and attempting to process what just happened. 


	10. Chapter 10

Caleb and his friends shoved themselves into a booth in a New York pub where they decided to have a bite to eat before the game. The five had piled into one car and arrived in the city before four, although the game didn’t start until nine. Ben had promised to be there before five. Four-thirty came around and Caleb waffled from panic to excitement and back again.

Billy tapped his shoulder, “Hey, Caleb. I think your friend’s here.”

Caleb twisted around to look at the door. There stood Ben, searching for them. A zip-down hoodie and jeans looked the best on him, Caleb decided as he shot up from the booth.

“You nervous?” Caleb asked as he came up, once both were satisfied with their stupid grins.

“Probably. About what?”

“Meeting my friends.”

“Oh, yes. Definitely nervous about that.”

“They’ll love you.”

“You think so? Or are you just saying that?”

“I know it. You’ll see.”

Ben tried a brave smile.

“It feels like a long time since we saw each other last,” Ben murmured, his eyes traveling around the room beyond Caleb.

“It’s been a bit.”

“I made it through four years, you’d think two and half weeks wouldn’t bother me so much.” Ben’s gaze returned to him with an expression of embarrassment.

Caleb swallowed and managed an awkward smile. He half-turned, indicating that he would lead Ben back to the booth. Ben fell in step just behind him, weaving through tables and around drifting flocks of New Yorkers.

“I didn’t get in the way of any of your plans with Sarah with this, did I?”

Caleb realized he was always the one who brought Sarah up, Ben rarely talked about her of his own volition. It was Caleb who most often invoked her name, as if it were some crucifix against the ungodly effects of a pair of blue eyes. The eyes flickered when Caleb met them over his shoulder.

“Ah, no. Actually, I should probably tell you about that...”

“Tell me about what?”

They were coming up to the table now.

“Sarah and I broke up.” Ben spoke shortly and brushed past Caleb to reach the table first. But Caleb stopped him with a touch.

“What?”

Ben turned, a mix of expressions on his face, none of which Caleb could read.

“You _what_?”

“We broke up.”

Caleb was fighting to keep his head above water. They’d broken up. Ben didn’t have a girlfriend anymore. Caleb had lost his crucifix. Ben single—with that smile and _those eyes_. Oh, he could really fuck this up now if he wasn’t careful. Caleb reordered himself in time to stutter out:

“You—you okay? You wanna talk about it?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. And we can talk about it, but later. Your friends are waiting.”

“This is Rob, the pool wizard and my co-worker,” Caleb swept into the introductions as soon as they reached the booth. “This is Anna, a regular at the bar and this is her girlfriend, Abbie. That’s Billy. I don’t know where he came from but he always manages to show up.” Billy made a face. “Everybody, this is Ben.”

“Pull up an inch of booth, Ben,” Anna said with a laugh. “We’ll fit you in somewhere.”

“I’m sure I’ve heard a lot of good things about you,” Rob was saying as they all shifted to accommodate a sixth in the semi-circle booth, “but at the speed Caleb talks, I can never keep up.”

Ben laughed and looked to Caleb. Everyone seemed to agree in that moment that they would like this guy. They all ate and enjoyed themselves. Ben laughed a lot while they sat there, shoved together in the booth. Ben stretched his arm across the back of the booth just above Caleb’s shoulders so it wouldn’t have to be pinned between them. Caleb could feel the happiness practically radiating from his friend and it made Caleb glow. He wondered at the changes in Ben, but concluded, as usual, that it was better not to think at all.

Abbie returned from the bathroom a while later and alerted the group to the existence of a dartboard near the bar.

“I whipped your ass in darts last time, Anna. You wanna rematch?” Abbie challenged, a cocky smile on her sweet face.

Never one to back down from a challenge, Anna immediately accepted and they all extracted themselves from the booth. The girls decided on a best out of three and the guys gathered around the nearby bar tables to spectate.

Caleb and Ben shared one of the tables and Caleb resisted the topic of the breakup for as long as he was able. It tumbled out after about five minutes and Ben’s smile told him it had been anticipated.

“It really wasn’t a big deal. We just realized that it wasn’t working. She said it was a one-time kind of thing and she was right. We were never even friends, I don’t know how I thought it was going to work.”

“You _would_ be the one to try to make a relationship out of a one-night stand. You would.” Caleb chuckled and shook his head dramatically. “Sometimes you’ve just gotta leave it at the one night. You don’t have to be the gallant one who actually calls.”

Ben shot him a glance then snorted when he realized Caleb was teasing him.

“Well, I’m not at all good at that.”

“If think you need some practice, there’s a girl at the bar who can’t seem to stop looking at you.”

Caleb had noticed the woman catch sight of Ben as they approached several minutes earlier. She threw an elbow into her friend and made some fairly obvious gestures in Ben’s direction. Caleb had been keeping tabs on her out of the corner of his eye since they sat down.

“Oh, I’m pretty sure she’s looking at you, Caleb,” Ben joked without turning to look.

“Don’t be stupid, Ben. Honestly, look at her. She looks nice.”

Ben rolled his eyes and turned his head, scanning up and down the length of the room. How could he do that so casually? There was nothing about the movement appeared desperate, like it did with most people in most situations like this. Ben could make it look like he was just coolly observing his surroundings. Caleb watched him and saw the moment when his eyes met with the woman who was so obviously staring at him. Caleb forced himself to look at the woman, too, although he was forming a vague contempt for her. She was smiling in an inviting way, and went so far as to raise her glass slightly, her smile widening. She was so damn pretty. _Fuck_.

Ben’s head snapped back. He inhaled deeply but was silent.

“Well?” Caleb poked him in the ribs, eliciting a reluctant grin from Ben as he swatted Caleb’s hand away. “Look, I’ll time it. If you go over there and she doesn’t proposition you in five minutes, I’ll owe you twenty.”

“ _Five minutes?_ ”

“Okay, six.”

Ben shook his head in protest, “I can’t. We’ve got a game to go to. I’m supposed to be filling that ticket.”

“You don’t know shit about basketball, right? And I’ll bet you know a lot more about what to do with her if when you get her out of here.”

“Oh, my god, Caleb.” Ben covered his face in his hands. His hands dropped and he was laughing. “You’re such an asshole.”

“Only to my friends.”

The smiles between them faded into the same tense solemnity that plagued them in these moments. Caleb felt irritated again, but with himself this time. He felt like an asshole. He acted that way because he wanted to hide his heart—but it wasn’t the way he wanted to treat Ben.

The silence was long and heavy. Ben broke through suddenly:

“That stuff’s not for me. I get too wrapped up in what others think, and so scared that I’m gonna hurt somebody. You know something, Caleb? Sarah broke up with _me._ And I realized when she did that I wouldn’t have thought to end it if she’d never said anything. I would have just muddled on in silence to keep her happy.” He paused. “I’ve never been all that good at knowing what I want—or making the effort to get it when I do.”

Ben passed a hand over his eyes.

“Looks like you could use some lessons from my hedonistic ass.”

Smiles again; they didn’t fade so quickly this time. Caleb could see the wheels turning in Ben’s mind as Ben watched him, his blue eyes hard on Caleb’s face.

“I really could.”

A short silence followed until Ben spoke suddenly, in a rush:

"You know, I think you were wrong."

"Probably. About what?"

Ben laughed shortly, recognizing the joke before plowing on:

"About not being able to know whether or not someone's committed to you. I think you  _can_ know. And I think more people _could_ , but they let their own doubts and anxieties get in the way. I think everybody could have someone like that. I think—I think you and I could have that."

"'You and I'?" Caleb repeated with mechanical humor.

Ben almost made it—but the fear took over and he amended:

"When we find the right person."

"You really believe that?"

"I do."

"Then I'm happy to be wrong."

Caleb couldn't read the smile on Ben's face. It held it's usual warmth but there was something different behind it. Ben caught him looking and the strange expression disappeared completely. Ben shifted in his chair and their knees touched beneath the table. Caleb shifted away with a look of exaggerated annoyance. Ben looked away. Caleb didn’t breathe again until they heard Abbie whoop. They left their chairs to congratulate her on her win and console the sore Anna. Abbie kissed her and Anna was smiling again.

Just before eight the group decided to roll out and head to the stadium. Time crawled for Caleb. He found himself pulling away from Ben, avoiding Ben’s touch and lacing his gibes with acridity. He could look away and still in his mind’s eye see the slight drawing of Ben’s brows, the perception and confusion clouding his eyes.

The game was fun. A good distraction. Caleb laughed without consciousness when Ben cracked a joke, leaning in closer to be heard over the thunderous crowd.

“How about her?” Caleb indicated a girl a couple rows down from them at halftime. “She’s cute.”

Ben played along despite his annoyance.

“She’s got somebody with her!”

“He’s wearing an Affliction tee, Ben, he ain’t shit.”

“She seems to think it’s cool, which means we probably wouldn’t hit it off. Besides, he’d hit me first.”

“Fair point.”

Caleb pointed out a few other possibilities and Ben shot them all down. Finally, Anna nudged Caleb and hissed at him to give it a rest. Caleb planned on ignoring her but when another young woman who passed smiled at them, he saw Ben sink a little lower into his seat and Caleb found himself biting his tongue.

Ben decided on Duke as his choice, Caleb didn’t have an opinion either way but picked Notre Dame just to oppose Ben. When the final buzzer sounded with Duke six points ahead, Ben swung toward Caleb with a smug grin that turned into laughter at Caleb’s exaggerated disapproval.

“I didn’t care either way, you know.” He mentioned defensively as they shuffled with the crowd trickling out of the stadium.

Ben regarded him with a dubious smile but didn’t answer, distracted by something Abbie said to him.

The six spent another half hour in the parking garage, just talking and enjoying themselves. Caleb tried not to think about how well Ben fit in with his friends, or how wonderful it felt to sit shoulder to shoulder against the hood of Ben’s car, just being. Ben made Billy laugh so hard he doubled over and gasped for breath until everybody was concerned but laughing too hard themselves to do anything about it.

“You should go with Ben, Caleb,” Anna suggested casually when it came time to break it up. “You don’t want him to drive all the way home in the dark alone.”

She gave Caleb a pointed look and he knew what it meant. He wanted to protest, explain her that things weren’t that way between them. Tell her that he’d give anything not to be alone with Ben tonight.

“That’d be kind of out of your way,” he lamely attempted to excuse himself.

“Not really.” Ben shook his head.

It was settled and Caleb could not protest. He hated the silence that hung over them during the drive back, although he knew it was the heaviness about him that perpetuated it. He didn’t want to talk, either. Nothing he could say felt right. He couldn’t figure out which was worse.

Ben found a spot around the corner from Caleb’s apartment building and parked. He left the engine running. He knew Caleb wanted to get out as soon as possible. Caleb felt guilty. Ben had no idea why he was upset, Caleb had given him no indication, but Ben remained tactful and accommodating.

“Bet you think you’re a basketball expert now that you’ve seen a tournament game,” Caleb offered, impressed by how light his tone sounded.

“Honestly, I didn’t really know what was going on half the time, but I did figure out some of the basics.”

“Like you know a penalty is called a ‘yellow card’, right?”

Ben paused for a split second, then he cried, “That’s soccer and you’re a dick.”

“I almost had you.” Caleb looked over at Ben and laughed while Ben rolled his eyes.

“Whatever.”

“But really—” Ben began after a small silence, he turned to face Caleb and Caleb turned to him, “I had a great time. Your friends are amazing. I’m not sure how much they liked me, but I like them.”

Caleb shook his head, “They love you already, I told you they would.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure. Everybody does, Ben. You’re easy to love.”

“So are you.”

Ben was beautiful with his face cut into shadows from the light of the street lamp through the windshield. His left eye was clear with a pool of lamplight, his right eye swallowed in black, nothing but the very tip of each separate eyelash illuminated. His lips parted and the shadows shifted slightly. His gaze dropped from Caleb’s eyes to his mouth. Caleb felt revolt forming in the pit of his stomach. He turned away and his voice was almost harsh when he spoke again, veering off subject:

“What’s tomorrow? Sunday?”

There was a pause, followed by a quiet, unpleasant laugh from Ben.

Caleb’s head snapped up, “What’s the matter?”

“Why do you keep doing that?”

“Doing what?”

“Drawing back. You’ve been doing it all night.”

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“It feels like you keep pulling away from me. I got to this point where I feel like I can be honest with you, and say what I mean. But then you start acting like an asshole out of nowhere. I don’t know why what I said was wrong and I don’t know how to fix it. I just don’t get it.”

Caleb didn’t feel like having this conversation. He snapped:

“Look, Ben, it’s late. I’m tired as shit. Really don’t have the energy to talk about our feelings right now. Could we postpone this?”

“Oh— _of course_.” Ben’s head swung away, and he let out a bitter laugh as he shoved the gearshift from park to drive. “How stupid of me. You’ve had a long day, you shouldn’t have to care.”

Caleb’s tongue burned with a venomous retort, but he held it back. He’d already said too many things he regretted tonight. So he remained in a miserable silence, unsure whether to stay or leave.

“You planning on sleeping in the car, or are you going to get out?” Ben prompted irritably.

“Dammit, Ben, don’t do this.” Caleb’s words came out in an exasperated sigh.

“What am I doing? This is _you_ , Caleb. _This is on you._ ” Ben was angry now. “Why are we suddenly such a problem with you? You were happy until tonight.”

“Oh, I was?”

“Weren’t you?”

Exasperated and grabbing at straws, Caleb spluttered out, “Maybe I just feel like we aren’t on the same page about this. There’s a bit of a disconnect.”

“What disconnect? I love you. You love me, too. It’s always been like that. And I know for my part it’ll never change. Is that going to be a problem?” Ben asked, the sarcasm in his tone just barely covering his fear.

“Y _ou don’t_ _understand_ _!_ ” Caleb exploded. “You don’t understand that it’s different for me! _I don’t feel the same way._ ”

There it was. That kicked dog look. Caleb watched the anger drain from Ben and a deep hurt take it’s place. Caleb ached with the suspension of it. In the minutes while he scrambled to find the words to explain, to amend—in those few minutes Ben would believe Caleb didn’t love him. Caleb heard the pain in Ben’s small “oh,” he saw a resigning in Ben’s movement to put the car back in park and take his foot off the break. Ben fell back against the seat and closed his eyes.

“I’m sorry—that’s not what I—goddamn it.” Caleb twisted sideways in his seat to reach for Ben. Ben pushed his hands away. “I love you, Ben. I love you.”

Caleb rested his hand on Ben’s shoulder and his fingers dug into the cloth of Ben’s coat. He hoped the pressure in his touch could relay the sincerity in his words. Ben was unresponsive. He stopped fighting Caleb but he wouldn’t lift his head. Caleb ducked his head toward Ben to meet his gaze, tacitly begging him to raise his eyes. Ben’s head raised finally and he met Caleb’s look with contempt. He shrugged Caleb’s hand away.

“I just don’t think you love me the same way,” Caleb explained softly, urgently, unwilling to relent. “We mean different things when we say it.”

Ben stared. The moment froze, time slowed seconds to full minutes. The contempt faded from his brow. Blue eyes narrowed, but with curiosity this time. His head tipped to one side, Caleb saw the wheels turning once more.

He murmured, “Do we?”

Caleb tried to grasp at the question, wondering why it tore through him like a bullet. _They must…_ he thought. _There was no way Ben could…_ He was shaking his head now, dazed and attempting to express the thoughts he could not give voice to. He said Ben’s name, his tone almost a protest. Shifting against the seat, Ben moved closer. He seemed to sway forward for a fraction of a second and when he pulled back Caleb followed as if magnetized.

“I don’t think so.”

Ben’s voice was no more than a breath, and Caleb watched a smile begin to twist on his mouth. In a mechanical response to panic, Caleb tried a smile of his own, but it turned out more like a nervous snort. Ben laughed softly and the last thing Caleb was fully aware of before the blur was the feeling of Ben’s hand grasping the collar of his jacket.

He felt a little embarrassed by the way he all but tackled Ben, but who had time to be cool and collected now? Ben’s lips were soft but his kisses weren’t. He half-dragged Caleb over the armrest between the seats, kissing him over and over. Teeth dragged over his bottom lip, and Caleb smiled beneath them. Goddamn, Ben wasn’t little anymore. The image of a sobbing six-year-old with mud smeared all over his face hovered in Caleb’s mind for a moment. A surge of heat from a kiss at the base of his neck and fingers digging into his hip banished the memory completely.

Nothing but now mattered. Now, as Ben pulled away and Caleb could see his eyelids fluttering beneath the white streetlight, struggling to open. Exhaling heavily and sliding his hand across his mouth while Caleb just watched in wonder. Ben looked up and they were laughing again. Caleb untangled himself and returned to his seat, aware that whatever embarrassment _he_ experienced, Ben felt twofold. They couldn’t look at each other.

Ben burned with embarrassment, and scrambled to process the full implications of what they had just done. But it that was nearly impossible, the only thing he wanted to think about was kissing Caleb again.

When the silence broke, they spoke almost on top of each other.

“I’m sorry, I could have actually said something.”

“I should have told you.”

Laughter.

“I’ve been pretty sure about the whole thing since Sarah left.”

“Sam made me promise to tell you.”

“You told Sam?”

“Didn’t have to. He figured it out.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

Caleb’s eyes shifted to the keys in the ignition. The car was still running. He knew Ben was watching him when he moved and reached across him to turn the keys. The engine went silent and Caleb pulled the keys from the ignition. He finally looked back at Ben, and held the keys up in front of his face by the ring. Ben looked from Caleb to the keys and back again.

“You wanna come inside?”

 

Caleb watched the stripes of sunlight through the blinds vanish and reappear on his beat up chest of drawers as clouds passed over. It would be close to nine now, the sunlight didn’t make it over the roofs of the surrounding buildings until about then this time of year. His eyelids were heavy and his mind still a little clouded. He became aware of a heaviness on the mattress beside him, and for a second he assumed it was Genny. Then, with a shock that woke him completely, he remember it was not, in fact, Genny—but Ben.

He shifted to look over his shoulder. The bed creaked and he winced. Ben’s head was half-buried in one of Caleb’s pillows, one arm tucked beneath. The heavy blanket Caleb kept to compensate for the lacking heating was pulled far up over his shoulder, nearly covering his face. He looked so sweet.

Caleb remembered the night, how Ben had stopped him on the first landing on their way up to his apartment to pin him against the wall.

“Cool it, Ben, we’ve got two more flights.”

“Move faster then,” Ben had whispered into the skin of his throat.

He remembered feeling like nothing had ever felt so good. Feeling like he could exist forever just holding Ben against his chest, listening to him breathe and feeling the rise and fall. He remembered practically throwing Ben off of him and scrambling to find clothes for him when Ben shivered. The search produced a pair of re-gifted pajama pants that were too big for Caleb and an old hooded sweatshirt. The pants fit well but the sweatshirt was a good deal too small—too tight across the shoulders and too short at both the wrists and waist, the bottom hem just barely reaching the waistline of the pants. Ben just laughed.

He remembered how quickly Ben fell asleep once they settled in side by side. Caleb followed minutes after, warmed by the thought that Ben would still be there when he woke.

And he was. There, stirring now and rousing. The sunlight threw stripes unto the chest of drawers, illuminating the room with the warmth of morning. Caleb hardly noticed. Ben rolled to his back and shoved the heels of his palms into his eyes, inhaling a waking sigh.

“Morning.”

Ben’s hands slipped from his face and he turned his head into the pillow to look at Caleb.

“What time is it?” He asked, fighting a smile.

“Nine? Nine-ish, I guess.”

Ben groaned and rubbed his face again, his voice muffled through his hands when he spoke again:

“I feel like I got hit by a truck.”

“I’m flattered.”

Ben snorted and Caleb saw his blue eyes dance over his fingertips. Ben watched brown eyes shine back at him with more warmth than he ever thought possible.

So much happened—but Ben didn’t have to think. He didn’t worry about what he could have done differently, he didn’t worry about where this would go. He couldn’t even think of the future beyond imagining how many more mornings he would wake up like this. Wake up to Caleb, looking sleepy and disheveled, with his soft eyes and smile. Thinking too much would ruin the wonder of it, and Ben never wanted to lose the wonder he felt creeping beneath his skin in little shivers.

Caleb leaned over and kissed him. He felt Caleb’s hand find the two inches of bare skin between the hem of the sweatshirt and the waistline of the pants under the blanket. His fingers traced along it and the shivers weren’t little anymore. Caleb’s kisses deepened and his hand slipped beneath the sweatshirt. Ben hooked an arm around Caleb and rolled to his back, pulling Caleb on top of him.

“You don’t have anywhere you gotta be today, do you?” Caleb asked when he pulled away to catch his breath.

“I can’t think of anything.”

“I have that effect on people.”

“I think I liked it better when you weren’t talking.”

“Fine by me.”

It was nearly noon before they dragged themselves from the bed to make coffee and forage for something to eat. They stood in the kitchen cradling their mugs and talking like they had before. This time they didn’t have to hide the way they watched the other move or swallow back words they wanted to say. Ben knew he didn’t have to hide anymore, from Caleb or himself. Everything he felt for Caleb could show on his face, and his actions, or change the tone of his voice. They could let it hang between them, lighting the room and making it difficult to keep the smiles from their faces. Years of longing and silence seemed distant now, no pain in their remembrance. The memory of the wait only made the present sweeter. Nothing but now really mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to apologize for any typos or glaring errors (or plot holes for that matter) i got so excited that i actually finished something that i posted it all on here w/o really proofreading. it's kind of late and i have work in the morning and i didn't have the patience.  
> anyway, thanks for bearing with me, and i really do hope you enjoyed what you read.


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